Monday, March 7, 2011

a melt down...

yesterday morning i had a melt down.
it was brewing for days.
and it finally landed.

i had decided i wanted to go see a movie on my own.
i was 'off' and just wanted to get away a bit.
it was a morning showing. the theater was a few towns
over. i've been there plenty of times, but never drove
and never paid attention to how to get there!

sure enough, i missed the exit and got so incredibly lost.

i mean i got way way way lost.

at first i thought i could wind my way back and maybe
catch the movie...then when i figured that wasn't gonna
happen, i figured i'd just wind my way home.
hmmmm....then it came to a point i wondered if that would
ever happen. i couldn't find one thing that made sense to me.
couldn't find one road i knew what to do with.

it was raining hard and i hadn't a clue where i was.
i was crying, it was raining, and the meltdown had begun.
i knew it and settled into the car.
maybe this was the best place for me.

the gist of the meltdown was my life changing.
my relationship with my sons changing, trying to figure
out the healthiest way to live together, work together,
and step out of their way and let them go all at the same
time. my stepping into a life with bob which is getting
closer and closer and more and more real. and my wondering
if i ever had any independence and was i ready to lose it
again??? and thru all that i'd say to myself 'and you can't
even find the movie theater!!'

the movie theater became my symbol for independence.
obviously, i could do nothing right was my feeling.
i couldn't even find that.
obviously i was never independent because an independent
person can find a movie theater.

it became the symbol for all i was feeling i had never achieved.

i eventually made it home.
talked to the guys about things i felt we needed to talk about.
couldn't have gone better.

but when bob asked me this morning how i was and i answered 'mostly good.'
he laughed and said 'is that good except the parts that feel really lousy??'

so there he was, not missing a beat asking 'did you address the independence
with yourself?' sometimes he's just so dead on right so fast that it stuns me.
'well, that might be a good idea' he gently nudged.

so i walked.
and i thought of what i had done. the ending my marriage, the starting
my business, the complete lack of any support or safety net. the raising
the boys, the schooling the boys...i thought of it.....and i held it.
and i thought about how i tried to totally dismiss that and make the movie
theater thing the reality.

how i was trying to choose something that didn't matter and let that
over ride so many things that did matter.

not cool.
not healthy.
not right.

and i thought of my bone sigh....

'the power lie in the seeing.
until she could see herself
with her own eyes,
she would not regain her power.'

i smiled.
and i saw myself.
i really did.

i really did.
i understood about seeing myself.
i understood how important that was in a way i have never understood before.

i came home, changed, and went over to my dresser.
laying there is a beautiful necklace i received as a gift.
beautiful silver necklace with a white tree on it. means the world to me.
i put the necklace on thinking about my white tree.
and growing it.

there was no room for that movie theater garbage i was handing
myself....if it's gonna grow, i have to look at what's real
and i have to hold it.

holding the tree on my necklace, i closed my eyes and held all that
i had done these past ten years. getting lost on the way to the movie
theater may be something that never changes with me...and i'm okay
with that. no big deal. i know i can do anything i have to.

and i will.

and i think i needed to hold that before i could move forward.

knowing we're competent and knowing we're strong...
really really knowing it.
and knowing we're ready for the changes life is bringing
and embracing the beauty of those changes...

i think that matters.
and i think that grows those trees of ours.


Merry ME said...

I hope this doesn't sound patronizing.

One thing I've always admired about you, my friend, is how you blend the independence with connection. You seem to have raised your sons with the knowledge that they can do just about anything they want. You pitch in and help when they need it, and stand on the sidelines and cheer when that's all they need or want.

In doing so, you've done the same for yourself. You've made a safe place to try and fail. You've surrounded yourself with people who love you and want you to fly as high as you can fly - no tethers to this earth, except maybe a little, thin, silky (light and strong) one to help you find your way home.

Perhaps you needed the meltdown to help you see what you already knew.

terri said...

thanks, mar......
not patronizing at all.
means a lot...
and really makes me want to keep seeing......

marian said...

So I read your blog this morning ... then my email. hmmm... wonder who wrote this??

“she finally came to realize
she gave compassion to everyone but herself.
maybe, she thought,
sometimes you don't see something
until you have the strength to act on what
you see.
and she knew now the compassion would come. ”

=) {{♥}}

terri said...

i saw that too, marian!!! AFTER i showed myself compassion....okay, okay, it took a little while.....:)
but i got there!! laughin' and lovin you....

Anonymous said...

what a day to actually have 30 seconds to my self
and find this here.
Like a gift
your words
your sharing
The abundance that is you..
I shall always be grateful
and never stop being amazed
at your wisdom
and generosity of spirit.

Anonymous said...

Dear Terri, how poignant your description of your meltdown. Isn't it interesting that when those clouds are gathering together inside of us, gathering the tears, gathering the accumulation of life and transition, accomplishment and the unknown of the newness- that it's a small thing that actually tips us over into a meltdown.
sometimes it's a cashier who goes out of their way to be extra kind, or something unexpectedly moving like a love note. Other times it is the smaller, but not unimportant things that tip us over the edge, a comment, a flat tire, anything that might make us feel like we've lost control, getting lost.

What I do know is that when those clouds are gathering up the tears ready to let them pour out, it's because there are feelings in there that sometimes defy any other description. The sense of accomplishment over the past ten years, the recognition that while you would do it over in a minute, it was hard. The recognition of how incredibly happy you are with the way your sons have grown up, the way Bob loves you.

Getting lost on the way to the movies can be compared to preparing to turn a corner in our lives...and it is partly wonderful, partly sad, much accomplishment, but some loss. Wonderfully vulnerable description of any of us at the crossroads of life. I am guessing that ten years ago, it was pretty challenging to get that tenderness of heart to come out in some way like this.

What movie were you going to see?

Wishing you peace and the arms around you that celebrate the you that is by the side of the road having a meltdown of love and grace,

terri said...

can't tell you how much i appreciate the comments, you guys....
and was 'the kings speech'...which makes me smile too.somehow that just fits in to the whole thing......

AkasaWolfSong said...

I don't want this to sound cliche' Ter, but several days ago as I was reading one of the morning bone sighs, I sat thinking to myself how far you've come in just the year I've known you. As I think of you, I've come to realize many things within my own being too, that have changed. Who knows what tipping point sets us up to see the larger picture...I love your sharing of the movie as a means for the Blessed Universe to move you to something so huge and beautiful, so spectacular really that you saw the true gift lying right there in front of you. One of the reasons I adore you so much is your vulnerability, your daily putting stuff out there for all of us to see, and as you learn and grow, so do we. Such magnificent moments of Grace Sister Love! I am grateful for the connection between in more ways than you can ever know. I don't always comment but I read you all of the time, and I always take something away to peruse. WE come home to ourselves in every minute of every day...and I love it when that happens. I'm going to watch your white tree grow tall and strong and lovely Ter! What a perfect metaphor! :)

terri said...