Monday, March 28, 2011

thinking out loud.......

havin' a thought this morning.

it's one of those that you joke about...
but there's so much truth inside it that the truth always
lingers in the air after the joke ends.

here's the thought......

it really is all about you.


that's it.

now i've had this thought before.
and it's not new.
but what's new today is the level i'm realizing it's truth.

i've watched at different times stunned at how my own attitude
can affect everything. i've seen it, marveled at it, swore i'd
work with it, and dropped it.
cause it's a tremendous amount of work to really believe it's
up to you how you're affected by things and how you affect things.
it's a tremendous responsibility to believe you shape everything
in your life.

it's a whole lotta work that i'd rather put down on some days.
most days.

now throw this in -

if i really know all those things i want to know and believe i know
at different moments....then i would be incredibly steady with everything.

i'd be so much more at peace.

if i knew -and i'm talking REALLY KNEW- that

i was completely worthy and valuable
i am so worth loving and lovable
that i am love
that the people i'm close to truly love me
that i matter
that i'm seen as much as any human can be seen by those who love me
that i'm capable of handling anything that comes my way
that i'm strong and smart and competent

all that get the idea......
if i really know that.....then i'm in a pretty good spot to handle life.
and love.

i was thinking of my guy today and the thought ran thru my head that
all the problems i have with us REALLY are inside of me. they really
are because of things i don't know on that list above. the problems
really are all about me. (he'll love to hear that one!)

that's a big deal.
and that's what sparked this blog.

i knew i had a PART in this, obviously.
it's a relationship. two people have parts.
he has a part too.
how i react to his part changes everything.

and how i react to his part also changes how HE reacts to his part.

and that applies to everyone i'm close to.
if i know this stuff....if there comes a time when i feel hurt or wronged
or slighted or whatevered....if i know this stuff, it's no big deal.
if i feel it's something that needs tweaking i go to whoever it is and
we tweak. and it's no big deal cause the trust is there. the whole
attitude is different.

(this of course works because i truly love and trust those i'm close to-
which is an important question to ask ourselves about those who are closest
to us in our lives...)

and so i stood there looking out my window thinking - 'oh great, so
i'm the cause of all my problems?'
'the problems between bob and i are because of me?'

yeah, pretty much.
and that throws me cause he's a clunk a lot of times and can
do a lot of stupid things. a lot of the problems have been his
fault, i've figured.

but that's what's so amazing to me about this....
it just brings you to this -

if i knew the list above, those clunky things would be just that -
clunky things.

things we can talk about and fix or even laugh about and not fix!

how i react is mine.
and that reaction builds and builds on itself. in every single
relationship i have.

including the people i don't like!
if i know all the things in that list, those people that i don't
like are just people i don't like. they aren't threats or hurtful
or whatever. they're just people i don't like.

it's the people that i'm close to that i can take stuff to and work with.
and the people that i'm not close to that i have no need to do that with.

i've blogged about this idea before.
but this is the first time i've ever thought it was all about me.
i mean all.

but here's the part that confuses me.
it can't be ALL about me...cause with the people i want to use this
and grow a relationship with i've GOT to have a deep love, trust and
respect for. and that's where THEY come in.

i think that's their part in the deal.
who they are is their part in the deal.

i've sat and thought about this with my past marriage. and i'm pretty sure
it wouldn't have worked even if i knew this. and that's what i figure was
missing. those feelings.

then what if we had started out the marriage with this idea? i wondered.
still don't think it would work because i lost those feelings of love and
trust and respect early on. i'm thinking it's gotta be with people where
that feeling deepens as you get to know them.

i'm not sure. maybe it would have deepened if i knew the list.
but something tells me it wouldn't have.
and that's okay.

what a treasure to find people who it does deepen with.
and what gold to have the goal of really loving them be what encourages
me to focus on that list of knowing that stuff that i want to know
about myself.

this love stuff....loving others/loving ourselves...
it's so completely entangled.
which makes it so darn beautiful.....

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