peelin' layers, openin' the can, and throwin' the cover over my head...

ohmygosh......

i could hear little terri throwin' a fit inside me.
okay.
okay.
okay.

i'll go walk and listen.
i'll go see if i can peel a layer off of it all
and see what's up.

i don't know how i wandered into it, but i opened a whole
darn can of worms.

you know how they say that we keep reliving the same story
over and over and it's our job to change that?

first of all, i never liked that theory.
it's too unnerving.
i mean, seriously....that's a freaky thought.
throw in we don't know about it, we're unaware, we're comfortable
with it, it's our default.....it makes for really unnerving stuff.

second of all, we're too tricky for this kinda stuff.
it can look really beautifully like we broke the string
of stories. like we changed things...but we're pretty slick.
so slick we don't even know how slick we are.

i mean, seriously, you look at my life and you'd nod right along
in agreement with me that i've stepped outta the story line.

but i guess what's so tricky is the layers upon layers upon layers.

you can step out of it in one layer, but not the next one down,
or the next three down.

i thought i 'broke' the good girl story line when i took my life back
at the complete disapproval of my family.

yeah. on one layer.

but i saw the good girl this morning crying and stamping her feet
and really really upset cause she wasn't getting what she wanted.

soooo she's still inside of me.
and she's still tryin' to be good enough to get what it is she really
wants.

ohmygosh.
this so threw me.

and then.....go even deeper than that.....

growin' up i had the brothers that were the problems. they took
the attention and the good girl waited her turn.

hmmmmmm......it didn't work so well.
i never did end up with what i wanted.

thing is....the 'difficult' ones who needed all the attention didn't
get what they wanted either. you can't get what you want in
a negative way.

seems like a law of the universe or something.

and if being 'good' doesn't get you what you want....then what???

ohmygosh.

is there an underlying belief that you just won't ever get what you want?
that there is no way to be - good or bad - neither work????

i walked and felt this whole big thing opening up inside of me.

oh.my.gosh.

i saw an instant replay of my childhood goin' on in one of the parts
of my life.

oh.my.gosh.

this is what those darn psychology books are talkin' about.

i hate it when i'm a text book example.
i just hate that.
i like to think i'm different, more advanced than a textbook case.
laughin' here.....
yeah, right.

we're all human.
we've all got this goofy psychology stuff goin' on.
and we all want to be loved.
and we've all been smooshed in the love department somehow.

now.
i see stuff for the first time ever.
i really really see it.

but what the heck do i do with it?????

maybe THAT'S the real part of the story we have to change....
the bottom line.

if i really believe (and i don't know yet) that it doesn't matter
what you do, you won't get what you want.....then THAT's the part
that i need to change. all other stories will follow.

if i believe you have to be a good girl to even get close to getting
what you want.....i have to look at that and change it.....and
all the stories will follow that.

and no, i don't know how to change that stuff.

i don't even know what my bottom line beliefs are.

but i just opened the door to it all.
and well....i think that counts for a lot.
so maybe this is when i throw a little 'trust the process' in to the mix.
trust the process, keep on looking, and thru it all.....
show yourself compassion and love.

cause somehow it's the self love that will lead you.