jumbled thoughts....

i know some pretty amazing women.
sometimes they just astound me.

yesterday on facebook one of these very women posted
a quote from anne frank about believing in the goodness of
the human heart.

i stumbled over it when i saw it.
not sure i do. (believe in goodness the way anne spoke of it)
thinking of what happened to her and the whole holocaust
stuff that had already been on my mind, i just didn't know
what to think. (still don't)

and this friend of mine commented back to my confusion and
said that she's a believer.

the thing is, she's got a background that gives her a place
to speak from. not only working with people with some of the
most heartbreaking stories you'd ever hear, she also had a
gun pointed in her face and she stood there facing the guy
with the gun looking him straight in the eyes.

so she's not just someone who's never seen the crud of life.
and there she was telling me she had no answers, but that
she chose to be a believer.

and then, this morning, i got a note from a friend who is so
talented with a heart as wide as the ocean....and she talked
to me of this very subject. and she ended her note with this....

'there is hope...
there is light...
we're it.'

man.
i just read that and held it.
and then i walked.
and i looked at the clouds.
and on this overcast morning, i thought about being light.

'what if the candle gets weary?' i wondered.
'then a million other candles come stand next to the weary one
and remind the weary one that there's a lotta light out there...
and together, it's way powerful stuff.'

and then, kinda outta the blue, some stuff that's been weighing
heavy on my mind came up. stuff that i haven't known how to handle.
stuff that i've felt bad about because i haven't spoken my truth with it.

no one's asking my opinion, and so i'm not offering.
and yet, they hand me stories to hold.
and the stories don't sit well with me.

and suddenly, in thinking about that with the thought of us being
the light....i just about burst out in tears.
i truly felt overwhelmed with wanting to cry.
it was like the understanding finally landed on me really clearly,
and it was so strong.

all these things......all these things that pass thru our lives,
our conversations, our days....they all matter.
and if we're not the light in them that we want to be, it matters.
it is the stuff that changes the world.

i figure i haven't been the light because no one's looking for
my thoughts. no one's looking for my opinions. no one's looking
for me to offer anything.

so why do they hand me this stuff??
maybe they're just looking for a place to put it.

and yet......if someone hands you darkness and puts it at your feet,
do you not shine your light on it because they haven't asked for it?

and suddenly, with all this other stuff jumbled inside of me,
i knew that i HAD to stop being quiet.

i waiver and say things to myself like 'it's my light, it doesn't have to fit
for anyone else. no one else needs my opinions and thoughts.' and
so i waiver.

thing is....it's not opinions and thoughts. i need to be clear on that.
it's belief in love. it's belief in my heart.
no one has to accept any of that from me. they are free to walk the
other way from me.
but if you walk to me, then you're gonna see it.

because i cannot tuck it away for your comfort.

how funny i even thought i could....

do i believe in the ultimate goodness of every human heart?
probably not.
do i believe that most human hearts have light to offer?
yeah, i really do.
and i'm thinking that if we don't watch it, the light gets
dimmer and dimmer by our keeping quiet when our hearts are
telling us to speak.

and self doubt and fear...they seem to be big dimmers.
when i start feelin' those, i'm gonna take my weary little
candle self and scoot up next to some of these bright candle
flames in my life. and i'm gonna remember....

there is hope.
there is light.
we're it.