and so i try...

there are times in my life when stuff goes on and there's such a pattern
in the stuff, that even when i'm not looking, i have to notice. it's just too obvious.

that happened this weekend. and right there in my face was the message that i wasn't
accepting the messiness of life.

i really like things to be tidy. i really do.
it doesn't even have to be good....just tidy....so i know what it is.

for example....if i have a relationship that's ended, or that just doesn't work,
i can deal with that in my own way if i know it. but the mixed messages, the not
understanding...the messiness of it all can drive me bonkers. i want things to
be clear so i can then deal with them. just tell me what's goin' on so i can
do what i gotta do.

yeah. good luck with that one, ter.

and so as i looked around at just about everything in my life being messy right now,
i thought maybe i ought to pay attention to that. the messiness part. the bigger
theme. my struggle with that part.

easier said than done because what i do is get sidetracked in the other stuff.
in the hurt or the confusion....the detail stuff.
and i forget to look at the whole deal.

last nite i posted the poster we have called 'honoring you' on face book.
i posted it because i was thinking of the people in norway. the words on it
are these....

weeping and aching, i longed to honor
your passing.
i longed to honor your life.
searching everywhere, i found only one answer.
honor myself.
become all that i am. and carry you inside that beauty.

i thought of those words and those people as i walked this morning.
and when i saw myself getting caught up in the wrong direction with my messy stuff,
i thought of the whole idea of becoming all that i am.

i thought of those words and i mean them. they're sincere.

honoring myself and becoming all that i am gets lost when i turn in the wrong
direction with the stuff in my life.

life is messy.
always will be.
i won't have tidy little answers everywhere i go.
life is fluid, flowing.

each moment is a chance for me to be who i want to be.

and i'm trying a little harder right now.

and it's one thing i can do to honor the pain in the world right now.

and so i try....
and i work on my acceptance of the messiness of it all...