divin' back in...

so i decided it's time for some inner work.
hmmm....well, it's always time for inner work.
but i decided it's time to look within with maybe a little more focus.

i struggle a lot with something that i just can't seem to fix.
it is what it is and no matter how many times i tell myself that,
i struggle anyway.

i may push it down over here and cover it up, but then it pops up
over there. isn't that wack-a-mole or something like that???

i have tried everything i can think of, and i just haven't found
lasting peace with it. i'll get it for a week or two....if i'm lucky,
three. but then...it hits again.

and then sometimes i'll freak out cause the way i found peace was
pretending it was all okay. once i figure out i've done that, i freak
out and get scared i'm living a life of denial again.

i'm laughing just typing all this.

this is just plain crazy.

so this morning as i walked, i decided it's time to look within again.

'everything i need is inside me.'
that's my official mantra that's been with me for ten years now.
do i believe it?
yeah.......
do i keep looking outside myself for what i need?
yeah.......

does that make sense?
no...........
does it just figure??
yes............

when i first started out, i said that mantra a gazillion times,
and i looked outside myself a gazillion times. but gradually
i really did learn how to stop doing that so much.
but, i think my default position is looking outside of myself.
cause when i coast and don't focus, that's what i do.

i certainly do wonder why my default position is filled with
things i'm always trying not to do. and it's such work to keep
the things i want in my behavior.

oh well.
it seems to be that way.

and i'm seein' again that it's time to focus.

everything i need is inside me.

headin' in for a dive down inside me......
time to do a little more inner exploration.