the trauma button

i never really think that i had 'trauma' in my life.
i've had really bad moments, really icky things,
but trauma? i've heard trauma stories...i haven't had those.

then one day, having coffee with a friend, talking to her about
something that happened inside of me, she calmly explained
that i was triggered because of my trauma and what i was describing
to her was my reaction to the trigger.

that was the first time i ever even considered that idea.

i remember tilting my head sideways and just stopping and thinking
about it. really considering the idea.

i still hesitate with it, because, like i said....i've heard
trauma stories......i don't have those.

but maybe....just maybe...a good lot of us have had some sort
of trauma that we just call 'that really bad thing' that happened.
i don't know.

don't know if it matters what we call it.

what matters to me is that i recognize when it's been 'triggered'
or i know some of the side effects that continue to pop up years
later.

something happened fairly recently that 'triggered' me.
i didn't know it.
just thought i got really hurt.

i didn't put the stuff it dredged up, and the deep feelings i couldn't
shake together as signs of being triggered. but looking at it this morning,
i'm thinking that explains a lot of my inside feelings lately.

it took yesterday for something to make me think of it.

when i felt that feeling like my whole body got jolted with a fear....
when i feel physically hit by something....quickly. and move my body
because i can feel the strike, and then as quickly as it hits,
it leaves me. but it doesn't leave me like it found me. it leaves me
scared and confused.

when i felt that, i knew that was trigger stuff.
it's so intense, there's no mistaking it.

and this morning, in reflecting on that moment, i realized my trauma button
had been hit a few weeks ago...and i haven't been the same since.

i felt the change in me....
but didn't know what it was about.

i don't know why knowing what's going on changes everything.
i honestly don't get that.
but this morning, i feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off
my shoulders.

why???
nothing's changed.....

or has it?

just knowing and understanding, makes it all so much better.

and makes me see that it isn't 'life' that's hard right now.
it's just that button got pushed.
and it's had enough time to cause its chaos inside of me.

it can be done now.

til next time, of course.......
but maybe......just maybe........if i can become more aware of it
earlier on.....maybe that will help.