heroes and weeds and hunks of insecurities

i was sitting on my floor wrapping an order when the song
came from the next room.

it was one about heroes.

i stopped wrapping the bubble wrap and just sat and listened.

and i could feel my insides just ache.

i so wanted a hero right then.

a hero for everything.
not just my life...altho, that would be a great place to start...
but everywhere...with politics, with the world, the economy,
and yeah, with my life too.

someone who would just swoop in and fix everything.

it got me thinking about heroes. i have lotsa people i call heroes
for what they do in life, and i think they are very heroic.
but what i was thinking of was that longing for that one to swoop
on in and just 'fix it.'

and i realized i always picture a male doing that.
hmmmm...could be some disney movie influence here........

i posted on facebook and google+ shouting out to any men out there.
i wondered if they looked for heroes like that, and if so, were they
male or female?

interestingly enough, the only two males that showed up were two of
my sons. both with interesting comments. josh ended up with the idea
that a hero would just rob him of his own power to do what needed to be
done, and noah ended up with what he maybe really looked for was the
inspiration.

ahhh...that's my boys.

so this morning, as i pulled weeds out in the morning air, trying to
get grounded, i thought of heroes. i thought of what the guys had said.

and i whined and argued and stomped my inner feet....cause i didn't
want to be inspired, or use my own power. i wanted a hero more than
ever as i pulled those weeds.

i thought of something a friend said yesterday....wondering why it was
all such a mess for herself right now as all she wanted to do was what
was right and what would heal her. she had pure, good intentions.
so why was it all so hard? i was totally relating.

yeah.
yeah.
why???
i wondered as i pulled and the dirt came flying up in my face.

do intentions matter???
i argued that, and got a few good weeds out over that one.
yes they matter to your insides. they matter to what's goin on inside of you.
no they don't matter to your outsides. people put their own spin on everything
you do. (and my gosh, that frustrates me)
but yeah...intentions have to help too....cause some people get it.
but what a drag when they don't.
back and forth i went.

what the heck matters??? i wondered as i pulled out a big fat weed
and looked up in the sky for superman to please please just come get me.

i looked back down at the weeds.
'he's not coming, ter. it's just you.'

just you.

be inspired.
be frustrated.
be sad.
be grateful.
it's up to you what you do.

you are your own hero.

great.
just great.
i wasn't thrilled.

but then....i felt something inside.

i stopped to listen.

and then...

this quiet, deep kinda thing came over me.
i'm not in the mood to be inspired.
the bouncy-this-is-so-awesome kinda inspiration.
just not in the mood for that.

and thankfully, that wasn't it.
it was deep.
it was quiet.
and it was determined.

you can do it.
look what you've done.
look what you've done, girl.

right now, for whatever reason, you gotta do it
on your own. and you know what? you've done that before.
and you know what? that's where the gold is.

and gold or not, the fact that you have done this before
and that you can do it again, rocks.

that in itself is gold.

and then....the most amazing thing happened.......

i took my insecurity and put it in the weed bucket.
it's sittin in there with the weeds.

i didn't even know that i had a hunk of insecurity i could move
around like that. but there it was. and i saw i didn't need
it or want it right now.

wow.
i saw it.
was amazed at this hunk of a thing.
and then put it with the weeds.

what a feeling.
it was so cool.

and then i took me and my confidence and headed back inside.
with a quiet, deep sense of being on my own, and knowing that's
as it should be right now....

and a quiet deep sense of there are no heroes...
at least the kinda i'm looking for...
not even in me.

and that's probably really okay.