standing and holding...

something i read in the women/wolf book was about 'being able to stand what one sees.'

that idea really hit me.

sometimes i feel like i 'see' too much, and i wish i didn't.
i really do.
i struggle with what i see and what to do with it.
so i read that and thought about it and thought about how i really want to learn
to 'stand it.'

that i have to.
and somehow i know that's part of really gaining some strides on the journey.
so i decided i was gonna work on that.

and gosh darn it, what is up with the way things fall on me after i make
these decisions???  cause within hours, i got my face dunked right into the icky stuff of life.

you want to see, terri? you want to try to stand it?
here.....look at this.

by the time i was done being immersed in it all, i was just so tired. i couldn't even think
anymore. i couldn't figure it out. i totally didn't know what was the right thing for me
to do with the situation. i was completely lost.

i'm thinking it's gonna be a long time before i really figure out what the right thing
for me to do in the situation is.

and i'm thinking that might be okay.
that figuring that part out really isn't the important part.
while it matters, it's also a distraction.

the part that's necessary is staring at it full in the face, and standing what i see.

i'm not sure about this as i'm new to it.
but the thought crosses my mind that in the very act of 'standing what i see' is
a sort of a holding of a light.

i'm not sure how....maybe somehow the being able to look and stay present is somehow related
to believing in life so strongly or holding faith....or it can only be done with your toes wrapped
around love....or something..........somehow it's related to light.

and so somehow you're holding light when you do that.

and i know......i really really know that it's more than likely that my tiny light won't do
a darn thing in the presence of this.

but that's not the point.
the point is that there is light.
and i can hold it.
by standing what i see.

and maybe....maybe....when you just don't know what else to do.......maybe holding light
is enough.

maybe it's everything.