so i'm probably hacking up this whole thought i read in the
'conversations with god' book...but it's been workin' for me,
so i haven't gone back to see what all i've messed up.
it's just this little idea -
that you put a candle in the darkness.
it's job is to be a candle.
to experience its light.
that's the deal.
experience its light.
the darkness is everything it's not.
and it's surrounded by darkness -
but in that darkness it can shine so bright.
all it has to do is be what it is.
okay. so i think i hacked that a bit.
but it's close.
and it's workin' for me.
and i've been playing with it.
i can think of things in my life that are like darkness to me.
and what happens to me is i get really muddled.
i think i was kinda trained to 'fix' things.
make things better.
believe in the pretty endings all the time.
so i don't think of myself as a candle.
more like a wrench or something.
so i get in this darkness and i get muddled.
i give everything of myself away trying to make this darkness
light - or at least LIGHTER - and i can't.
and i think there must be something wrong with me.
if i just give a little more, or try a little harder or be a little bit better,
it will all get lighter. that if i did it right, it would all be better.
and i've finally come to realize that's not true.
that things don't always lighten.
but i still get muddled.
those instincts are there.
and if i can't do that, i don't want to get near it all.
i feel like it will consume me and i don't know how to handle stuff.
and i think that's pretty much a good summary of how i've dealt with life.
but then this little candle idea comes along.
what if there's nothing to do but be?
be what you are?
and that's it.
even in the midst of things that you are not.
just be your light.
so okay, i've read this before, worked with this thought before.
as with a whole lot of my thoughts.
they come thru in cycles.
but it seems like each time they cycle down just a little bit deeper.
this one keeps workin' on me this time around.
every hard situation, i've been slippin' it in.
and it truly helps me to focus, and to not get muddled.
thing is....i haven't braved some of the stuff that i stay away from.
i haven't voluntarily braved those things.
i figure they'll get put in my face soon enough.
but if i can get the hang of this, who knows? maybe i'll venture in to those
things that i lock the door against now....
because a candle doesn't need to lock the door.
all it needs to do is experience its flame.
kinda a cool idea, isn't it?