rambling wanderings

there's all these strings inside me right now.

there's this really big one -
it's that i want to just enjoy my life.

that's it.

i want to laugh and be present and enjoy all that i've got.

i've been really concentrating on that.
big on my mind.
and i can see the affects of it. good stuff.
and i feel myself laugh and enjoy and i love it.

then there's the struggles - they're there.
and i don't want them to overshadow everything.
and i've been working on that.

and then there's this feeling where i want to get okay with all of life.
all of it.
the struggles too.

so i kinda look at the struggles and tilt my head and wonder about
all that.....can i get to a place where i'm okay with them?
can i get to a place where i trust that they're part of the journey?
REALLY trust?

i've been playing with that too.
i've thought all this stuff before...but i'm playing with it a lot more lately.

and then there's this string that i don't even know what we'd describe it as -
something in my life that deeply bothers me.
it's not a struggle....unless it's a struggle to get okay with it.
it's not like i have to do anything about it.
it's just there.
and it bothers me so much i don't talk to anyone about it.
bob hears bits and pieces, but no one really knows what's inside me about it.
it's too deep and i don't know how to share it.

it's kinda flaring up right now.
on my mind.

while at the same time, the wanting to enjoy life and be present is there,
and wanting to be okay with the struggles...
all this is tangled up inside of me.

i was thinking about the stuff i don't talk about with anyone, and i was thinking
of holding this sorrow that is so deep i have no words for it, while at the same
time being present in my life and enjoying it.

i don't have it down really good yet.
i'm just beginning.
but the older i get, the more i think i can see that this is how i need to learn to live.
i mean REALLY learn it.

right now i sorta dodge in between everything. try to deal with what's up at the
moment. sometimes sad, sometimes happy. dodging around.
but what if i stopped dodging and held it all all at once with the complete knowing
that somehow it was all okay?
somehow it had to be.
it is what it is.
really, really know that.

i've thought this stuff before, touched on it a little bit.
but this time......i'm thinking there is no other way to really really hold life.
and i know i gotta do it.
i'm filled with this feeling of it's time to do it.

so i'm looking at this tangled heap inside myself
and i actually think it's possible to pull this off.
not tomorrow, or next week...
but i think i can get there.

and i'm thinking that the big news that's buried in these thoughts is this -
to do that, i have to trust the capacity of my heart to not shut down and to
truly feel all this stuff at once....and i think i'm getting to the place where i
really want to...and i'm really really learning to believe in my heart.