blues, grays, and blinding flashes of love

well, i spose the ones that knock you silly always come outta the blue,
don't they?

and i've learned something along the way.
when i get knocked silly, there's a certain feeling that comes over me.
it's the 'beside myself' feeling.
which i've come to learn is a form of 'dissociating.'
it's when it hurts a lot and so you kinda 'leave.'
for me, i feel a bit like i'm standing next to me (beside myself)
i'm not exactly inside myself. certainly as far from centered as i get.
and i feel kinda like someone took a rough washcloth and rubbed the inside
of my head with it.

yeah. that's the feeling.

and it landed on me.

i'm better now. and definitely aware of it all and watching.

here's the thing that's captured my attention -

all the ingredients were there -
completely feeling unseen, blamed for something i didn't do,
discounted, and not valued. feeling totally as if i was a token,
a pawn, a thing to use to fill a void....

a feeling that will bring up just about every issue in my book.

and then.....and this is the part i can't stop looking at now......
everyone that mattered to me in the situation was there for me.
no one blamed me at all. everyone knew what had happened, or
if they didn't, they knew it was something to help me make right.
everyone completely and totally loved me.

what i saw was past stuff that can only carry the weight i allow it in my
present life. and i saw the value of what filled my present life.

today, my job is to put the weight down and hold the love.
and i totally want to do that.

the love is blindingly bright.
the other is so sorrowfully gray.

i think i'll work on putting the weight down with compassion.
as that gray has never known the brightness that fills my life.
yeah, i think i will do it with compassion.

because, somehow, thru all the muddle and dysfunction, i came out the lucky one.
i have no idea how that works.
but i tell ya, i'm so grateful for that.

i guess the least i can do is have compassion.