holdin' the holy

i'm not sure how to explain this,
but i want to try.

i can sound like a broken record to my friends about always
reminding them that there's gold in the darkness.
over and over i say that....and thing is, i believe it.
i really do.

there's some gold happening with me right now.
it's not all sadness and dark.
that's up on the upper level....it's there.
it's interesting what it does to me too.
it scatters me.
scatters my thoughts, makes it hard for me to concentrate.
i don't know who i've said what to.
i get tired really fast.
tears come at a drop of a hat.
that kinda thing.

but underneath, on a deeper level, there's this incredible hunk of
gold that i'm holding.

it's almost too gorgeous, too beautiful, too lovely to hold.

almost.

cause i'm not stupid.
i'm gonna hold something that amazing.

and thing is......i've been diggin' in the darkness for years to find this.
i'm absolutely gonna hold it.

i've found 'home.'

go figure.

i've found where home is for me.
i fit and i grow and i become more there.
it's safe, it's strong, and it's where i want to be.

that's no small thing i'm typing here.
i know plenty of people who never find that.
i understand just how big this is.
i understand what a gift this is that i'm holding.
i really really do.

and right now, in the situation i'm in, i can clearly see it.
i can clearly see that i needed to leave one life to find another
and that i'm where i want to be.

and that i've got a gift like no other.
and thru the dark sad stuff i'm walkin' in right now,
the light from this gold nugget is always always with me.

there's holiness here for me.
i feel it, i hold it, and i'm gonna do my best to honor it.
i'm consciously going to try to honor it with every encounter i have the next few days.

i've got everything.
there is absolutely no reason on earth i need to begrudge anyone else anything
they've got. there's absolutely no reason on earth i need to be angry or resentful.

when you're holdin' the holy, you don't need to hold the garbage.
ya know?

and yeah, i'll forget. and i'll pick up stuff i don't need again.
cause that's part of the journey.
but i'm pretty sure i can hold the holy for a few days here and offer love as i go along.
and in that, i can also honor the women in my life who just died.

and i think somehow it's the most coolest thing goin' on.
and i'm so lucky to be where i'm at.