for my friend

i have a friend who reads my blog.
and man, she is up to her nose...no definitely past her nose...with struggle.

the kinda stuff you watch from the side lines and squirm about and want
to help, but there's nothing you can do but say 'hang in there.' and that
feels sooooooo lame. you might whisper the words 'trust' or 'believe' or
you might firmly remind her that she has the strength and will get thru...
but none of that feels any good.

so i got the great idea of writing a blog for her.

i can write something supportive!~

yeah, great idea.

only problem.....WHAT would that be???

i thought of my last several weeks.
and how i really got knocked for a loop.
what would i have wanted to hear or read?

and i thought about that......and there wasn't anything.
people tried.
but ya see, i had closed down my heart.
so it didn't matter.
nothing could get thru.

and i think that in itself scared me.
to feel that separate on top of everything else.
that's freaky stuff.

as i sat and thought about that, i realized  that probably it would
be good to be reminded that reacting like that...isolating yourself in some way,
shutting off the heart, putting up the walls, feeling like you're not yourself anymore...

all of that is okay.

maybe that's the best thing i can do. is be a reminder of that.

those are things we do to protect and get thru.
and yeah, they feel freaky.
but the funny thing is, they're really big ol' neon signs telling us we can
trust ourselves. cause see, our body/spirit/mind are doin' what they need to do
to get thru. so in a back flip freaky way, it's something to believe in.

great.
all i have to offer is something i'm not even sure makes sense!
that in a back flip freaky way you can trust your angst and isolation.
hmmmmmmm........

but yeah, that'd be it.
those shut off valves are there for a reason.
and we turned them and shut them off to make it thru.
and that's not only okay.
it's good.
and it's something to believe in.

and when the time is right we'll turn them back the other way.

and here's the thing......if you're not sure you will, my friend,
you can totally believe your friends will be there helping you find
a way to do that. you have back up for that.

not everything is up to you.
just most of it.

and you're not alone.
just feels that way.
but that doesn't make it so.

i just lived this. and i just had people who loved me help me turn
the valves back. and yeah, i needed help. and it was there.

i just lived this. i know this. and i want to offer it to you today.

you are not alone.