pondering

just some ponderings this morning.
got an email that got me thinking.
problem is, i was moving pretty quickly when i read the email,
planning on going back to it in just a bit when it was quieter.
not even sure if i grasped the concept that was being expressed.

but that didn't seem to stop my mind from toying with what i thought she meant.

i believe it was that if one didn't hold on to/concentrate on the messed up feeling,
(see post below) then that would land one in an overwhelming sadness of what happened.
and that incredible depth of grief was scary.

so with the disclaimer of that might not be what she said at all - i pondered that thought.

i can only go to my own stuff.
i don't have the self hatred that i've witnessed in people who've been thru extreme things.
so i couldn't really go there.

but i wanted to go somewhere in that neighborhood....

i could go to how i'm really hard on myself sometimes.
like way hard.

okay, that seemed like the right neighborhood.

and i started wondering why i did that.

one thing i know is it's a reaction.
it will just happen in response to something i feel i've done wrong or messed up.

so that kinda makes you wonder about reactions.
are they learned behaviors? habits? reflexes? what?

and why the kicking myself instead of the compassion i offer others?

is it easier?

that's what really was dancin' around in my head.

do we pick the things we pick cause they feel easier?

oh yeah. i'm pretty sure of that.

and then you have to go to 'easier' - what does that mean -
something you're familiar with?
something that feels safe because you know it?

which totally doesn't mean 'easier' does it?

i have thought this stuff and applied this stuff to lots of things before.
but this time it was more extreme.

i certainly would never feel comfortable assuming someone chose self hatred
because it was easier.

but just that thought crossing my mind made me think of my own stuff that i hadn't
looked at as a choice. while i've played with the pondering before, i don't think
i've ever taken it far enough for my own stuff.

and so i guess i'll be playing with that pondering a bit more now........and seeing just
how far i can take it with my life.