one heck of a slop of color

there's three main strands of thoughts that are running thru my head.
none of them related.
but look at what happens when you lie them down next to each other
and then overlap them a bit......

one thought -  it's about this whole 'release' stuff.
once again, in a very powerful way i've seen the magic of releasing.
struggling and struggling with something, not sure how to fix it, trying over and
over again and feeling like i was making it worse, getting nowhere or going
backwards when finally, out of the blue, i release. 
and everything falls into place.

not the first time, i hope not the last.
the odd thing about it for me is how hard it is to trust that and just let go.
i fight it and am sure i'm the one who's gonna make it all work 'right.'

so first thought is the magic of release along with the difficulty in actually doing it.


another thought - life is full of difficult things.

i've been watching. it's been like i've been in 'observe' mode for a little while here.
and yes, a lotta those difficult things are our own making, but certainly not all.
and there's a whole whole whole lot of 'em.

i was getting pretty discouraged about it all. seemed like that's all i was seeing.
but i widened my view finder a bit and saw all the other stuff dancing around the
difficult. the amazing strength, the kindesses, the insights.......there's a ton of
other stuff mixed in.


and the final thought - i need to redefine what i mean by 'friend.' i've had some
pretty big heart disappointments in the friendship category. (i know. who hasn't??)
and with feeling burned again recently, i've just wanted to give up and forget about
making friends.

then last nite, someone typing something to me said 'my friend'.....and she and i had
shared some pretty good notes and thoughts and when she said it, my heart warmed.
and i thought of all the people around me who were in my life in different ways - and
how they were all friends. and how i just needed to broaden what i meant, and not
have such huge expectations. maybe i just needed to really really allow people to
come in and out the way they do and know that's  the deal.

so i took these three thoughts this morning and i scrambled them together.

how life is hard.....really difficult.........then throw in that release stuff and the magic.....
then throw in the cool stuff around the difficult......which includes people who come
into your life (they may not stay....in fact, they probably won't) but they're there for
a time reaching out and being a friend.

i scrambled all that and saw the hard stuff in kinda dark colors....the magic stuff in
glittery sprinkles......the friend stuff in soft tones, the good stuff around the hard stuff
in gorgeous colors.

it's one heck of a slop of color.....all jumbled.

that's life.
one heck of a slop of color.

and for the first time in a very long time, i felt peaceful about that.

and i saw that some of the things that will get you thru the ride with a more peaceful
state of mind are the things i've been pondering for years - releasing, allowing, trusting,
and knowing.......

all of the things i have recently put up on a shelf and turned my back on.

okay.
got it.

pulling them back down off the shelf.
and sittin' smack on down in one heck of a slop of color.