a heck of a lotta sighs

you know how they say you want friends who will be straight with you
and honest with you and tell you when you need to look at something?
sigh.

i've got those kinda friends.
sigh.
sigh.
sigh.

they never tell ya havin' those kinda friends is gonna be easy, do they???

and i'm laughing.
and shaking my head.
and ever so grateful for them.

i had something weighing so very heavy on me.
and so i called the person i call for those moments.
and she listened and soothed and heard and cared
and then told me there was something really really deep inside of me
that i needed to work with and see.

i squeaked out a little 'are you sure?'
and i asked her with all my heart - 'don't you think it could just be.....'
and i filled in what i thought was the problem.

she was firm.
nope.

sigh.

i heard her.
i trusted her.
and i told her i had no clue what that could be.
did she have any idea?
she didn't but was going to think on it for me.

later that evening i told the other person i tell these things to.
and he listened and heard and soothed and said it was something
really really deep inside of me.

darn.
there it is again.

like a little kid, i tried it again - 'don't you think it could just be....'

nope. he didn't.

one heck of a huge sigh here.

hanging up, i knew they were right. and i wasn't at all confident i
could do whatever i needed to do.

truth is, i'm still not. i'm SO NOT confident.

i know i can work on things and get further than i am now....
but i'm not sure the thing that's weighing so heavy on me will change.
and i'm not sure how i'll choose to live with it - or without it.

i have no idea. and that weighs hard.
but since i'm the only thing i can actually change, i guess i have some
work to do. a whole heck of a lotta work. and it's a place to start.

here's the thing tho - as soon as i understood that in my heart,
i ran into quotes and thoughts that were talking DIRECTLY at me.
they were around earlier that day. i could have run into them all earlier.
but i didn't. and i sat there and read this stuff and was kinda amazed.
honest to pete, it was like the universe handed me stuff to figure out
my insides.

and i figured out that what i've got to do is forgive someone.
i mean, i REALLY figured it out.
it wasn't just words anymore.
wasn't just a thought.
i really understood.
and that it wasn't just this other person......

i had to forgive me.
and yeah, forgive someone else too.

oh man.
a triple forgive.

oh man.

and a whole lot of it is just stuffed down so far and so deep......

an insight came bubbling up. i had never thought of before with it all.
i knew it was one of a thousand threads involved here. and i could
start to see all the threads.

have i said 'sigh' yet???

i think tho, what i'm feeling this morning is that flow thing.
that flow stuff i used to step into so easily......
there was something about it last nite.
as soon as i was ready, the stuff came that i needed to read.
stuff to help me. an insight i had never had came up. the threads
showed up. i could see them. stuff like that is hard not to notice.

i have closed my heart so tight in this area that there can't be
a flow until i open it.

and just that one little crack of opening showed me.....the flow's
right outside there waiting to be let in.

so the work ahead - forgiveness - a triple shot........
and opening the sealed up space in my heart.........

shoot.
i have no idea how i'm gonna pull this off..........
i guess i'm gonna have to want it pretty bad.

and maybe that's my first step.
making sure i want it.
and looking hard at the reasons i might not and turning myself
in the right direction.

sigh.