Monday, August 27, 2012

a collision in my head....

i admit i'm not very quick.
things i've heard talked about for years will take forever to land
on me and for me to understand.

but when i start seeing the deal, what i lack for in quickness,
i make up for in enthusiasm!

i had two separate thoughts the other day.
at two separate moments.
when i accidentally put them together i gasped!

here's one of the thoughts......
okay, maybe not so much a thought as an understanding.

a fear of mine uncovered itself.
quite by accident.
i think it was just because of the conversation before that.
it was just a rambling innocent conversation,
but it musta opened a door for me to see stuff.
cause there in the middle of everything, i totally saw a fear
of mine i had never seen before.

it was almost like i could just hold it in my hands and look at it.
wow. look at that. i didn't even know that was there.
wow. that makes a lotta sense. wow, what complicated creatures we are.
man, that's got to be coming into play here more than i know.
and my gosh, it's based in old past stuff.

just kinda like that.
no big judgments, no diving in to fix it. just a seeing of it.

then the next thought...and yeah, again, maybe not so much a thought
as a seeing -

i watched myself react to something that hurt, and  recover.

the whole process for me is changing. and i noticed it.
it's not changing so completely that i notice it right at the moment.
i still get the same initial reactions, and they feel pretty darn strong...
but they're a smidgen less strong. the recovering time is faster and
the letting go is faster and cleaner.

i'm changing.

i can see it and feel it.

those are the two things that sorta collided together this morning.

a fear based in old past stuff that's messin' with me now
and the seeing that i'm growing and changing.

bam! they hit head on!

and this simple thought that i think everyone else has a grasp of,
landed on me......

fears based in old past stuff hold no real power because i am different,
i have changed, i am so not the same as i used to be. that's the past,
this is the present, and they are not the same thing. those fears hold
no real power anymore.

that's it.
that simple little thought you could read anywhere.
it made me gasp.

cause it wasn't just something i read somewhere that sounded neat.

it came from those two things bumpin' into each other inside of me.

now, i gotta's still only in my head.
i mean, it just now got in my head!
there's been no time for that to sink into my bones yet.

but i think i'm gonna help the sinking process.
i think i'm gonna work on repeating to myself that the old fears
worked on the old me.....but they don't work on the new me.
or the me i'll be down the road.

i don't need to be trapped by old stuff. there's no real lock on the door.

and i can put the fear down and go forward.

over and over again i'll be telling myself this...........

there's no real lock on the door. let it crumble away into pieces,
you've got a life to live.......

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