pulling the webs off the arrows

this one feels way big to me.
like i've got it in my heart this time, not just my head.
like i understand it in a clear way for the first time.
and i so want to share it -

i'm sure this has come out in different ways as i've gone along here.
but yesterday, when i was figuring it out, i could CLEARLY see
how important this is.

now, bear with my visual, okay?
i realize there's prolly a better one out there.....but this is what came
to me yesterday.

picture the hurts you get from people you love like arrows.
they do something to hurt - zing! in goes an arrow.

now, no one wants an arrow shot into them.
it hurts.
but if we understand that the person who shot the arrow
loves us and that they didn't mean to hurt us -
if we truly believe that -
then we can pull the arrow out, talk about the hurt, and move on.

for me - there's some very deep stuff from the past that gets mixed in
with the present hurts.

i called that past stuff, webbing.
and i pictured this really really thick spider web stuff just hangin'
outside me all round me. it's poisonous stuff. and now, if an arrow
gets shot into me, it goes thru that webbing and brings some of that
webbing with it and goes right on in me along with the arrow.

and THAT is more than just an arrow you can pull out.
it's a poisonous puncture that if left unattended can kill things.
and if you get too many of those, it will for surely kill things.

it comes from the webbing of the past.
it has nothing to do with the arrow of the present.

i saw this yesterday big time.
i know this happens to me - that yes, there are some arrows
that slip thru the webbing and are no big deal.
but then there are other arrows that snag good chunks of the web
and land inside of me.

here's the thing - what i want in life - the stuff i really want to grab
and grow into - just absolutely has no room for past stuff that doesn't
matter anymore.

and maybe, maybe.............juuuuuuuuust maybe..........i'm ready to
understand that and get rid of the webbing.

now.
how?
how the heck does one get rid of that stuff?

i haven't a clue.
but i think i'm ready to try.
for years and years now i have been workin' on separating hurts
from the past with my present. it's something i have been consciously
aware of. but to be honest - i'm not sure i really wanted to be totally
rid of them.

let's face it - it sure looks like hanging on to some of that stuff can
protect us. it looks that way, feels that way.
i haven't been ready to put it completely down. i haven't wanted
to totally release it.

until now.

i'm pretty sure i'm ready.
i say that and figure something will come up that will convince that
i'm not! but today....this morning........i'm ready.

because i saw the open heart i want, the love i want to live in and with,
the complete openness to life that i want to embrace is just stuck unless
i do this.

it's not for a certain relationship with someone, it's not so that i handle
hurts better, it's not to improve my love life - altho all that has got to
go along with it - and i'm all for all of that! but it's for a way bigger
reason - it's for the way i want to live my life...for the way i want to
open and trust.....i can't get there without gettin' rid of this webbing.

and i see that clearly now.

i don't so clearly see what i'm sposed to do.
but i'm not even worried about that.
i believe the training that i've been in for the last ten years of just
trying to live real, figure myself out and work on being in the present
has all got me ready to give this a go.

and i'm gonna lean in that and trust in that.

it truly feels like a journey that i've been building up to.
and i'm ready to follow.

and i cannot tell you how excited i am about this.
i so wanted to share.

i'm sure there will be future blogs about my fumbling attempts at pulling
off webbing from arrows and getting hopelessly tangled in it all!
but that's okay, isn't it? cause it's all part of the journey.....