a start of a mull....

yesterday was quite a day.
the word 'bombarded' comes to mind.

i was bombarded - in the most wonderful sense- with messages
that seemed to be directly touching on what was going on inside of me.

in every direction - whiz! bang! bam! boomp! knocked in the head with
this, popped in the face with that.

being bombarded and trying to get some work done in a set amount of time
doesn't leave a lot of mulling time. i have much much mulling yet to do.

but i got to do a start of some mulling in one of my favorite mulling places -
wrapped in the arms of my guy. and while we were talking, a vague sense
of something was seeping in.

i think it has to do with belief.
i think it has to do with what i believe about darkness
and what i believe about light.

side track here a moment with me -

i've watched someone i know get hit about as hard as you can get hit with
some life stuff. i've seen others hit like this and watched what people do
to stand up again after a hit like that. there's different ways, all of them hard.

his way tho, has been dark.

and i'm pretty sure that he believes in a god that 'did this to him.'
and in his anger towards that god, he has declared there is no god.
but in my eyes, it looks very much like he believes in one and is pretty darn mad
at him.

so i've watched this for awhile, been aware of it.
it seemed easy to see to me.

but.......um..........maybe it's so easy for me to see cause i'm doing something
very similar.

maybe i don't have the god belief like he does, but maybe i have a 'flow/magic'
belief. a belief in a flow of life and a certain magic to it all that can't be explained.

and maybe when it wasn't all flowing and magical like i wanted, i threw it away.
in anger, hurt, spite, despair, frustration........

and maybe, just like the person i watch be pretty darn mad at a god he claims doesn't
exist.........maybe i've done some kinda twist of that myself.

and maybe i have chosen to not give as much power to light as i do to dark.
to not believe in it quite as much as i really could.

i'm not sure if that's true or not.
but something in there is true.

i've seen bits of it here and there.
tried to work with this a little bit before.
have probably written about it.

thing is.......this time i'm thinking that's where i am with that edge (see post below)
the edge is about deciding what it is i believe in, and what i'm going to commit to.

interestingly, that man of mine has been training me in trust. so many times when i couldn't
see the light and the love, he convinced me to believe. he has taught me over and over to
believe in something that i can't always see. our relationship has been a classroom for trust.

and as i was curled in his arms i thought of something else i've learned thru being with him -
the only place i can really work on...the only place i really have the power to grow and
change - is inside of me.

i have always felt that i can go inside and feel the vastness, feel the all way way deep down
inside. well, maybe that's where i need to start. maybe that's where i need to work. to
believe in the light.......to hold the light that comes thru me. to commit to that light in a way
i haven't been committing since i tossed all my beliefs down one day years ago.

maybe i can't figure the world out. maybe i can't figure out the darkness and the light and
what wins and why things happen....

but maybe i can concentrate on what's inside of me. and understand that whatever is inside
of me is a microcosm of the universe. and it's the perfect place to start...and it's a place where
i can commit to the light with all my heart. and believe in the magic with all i've got.

maybe it's time to pick that stuff back up again.