ramblings

i can get pretty grumbly about the whole darkness/light/love stuff.
there's so much mixed in there, i'm a bit raw with it all right now,
it's way personal, it's messed with my beliefs and my whole inside system.

so i can get grumbly about it if some poor unsuspecting soul steps into
a raw spot.

it's pretty funny. and shows me how tender i am about it.

years ago i believed love always won and everything happens for a reason.
today i don't believe either.

and i guess i wish i did. i guess i miss those things.
altho, i'm not really sure i want them back.
i think i just want that confidence back.

so this whole darkness/light topic includes all that stuff and more.
and what's weird is slowly over here, a theme seems to keep coming back
over and over.......

it's the theme of looking at my inner world for answers and direction rather
than the outer world.

so.....like when i felt overwhelmed about believing in the light of the outer world,
when that felt like too much of a task for me, i decided i could do it with just
myself. my own inner stuff. i could start there.

well, that's happened a couple times now with this stuff and my thoughts.
trying to figure it out with the whole world in mind just is too darn overwhelming
for me. but if i just keep turning inward, that seems to be the place to start.

so this theme has been starting, but i haven't really noticed.
it was when i read a note from a friend this morning (thank you, bets) and read
this line that i understood the theme was here and it was helping me and i needed
to work it.

here's what she wrote -

Maybe your love wins because you offered it- even if whoever stays in what i see
as darkness.

so yeah, we'd have to talk about what it means that 'love wins.' i guess.
but i don't even care.

what i get out of that gem is that it builds my inner stuff. it adds to my inner stuff.
it wins inside of me. and what i get out of this is THAT is really truly where i need
to keep looking.

and yeah, okay, i do this. but it's not til this morning that i understand that this
is what i have to do to get closer to the love stuff.

i don't even know how to explain it - it's like this.....
with my relationship with my guy, i have learned that i ALWAYS have to look
inside me and see what's goin' on inside me when we have a problem.
doesn't mean he's not a clod at times and hasn't just done something that hurts
and has no responsibility. no. doesn't mean that. just means i need to know what's
going on inside of me to heal whatever's happening. always. and when i know,
real healing takes place.

after so many years of this, i know this is true and do it (almost) automatically now.
i just don't doubt it's truth. i've learned that's what works.

well??!! it seems to be applying to my latest search. every time i turn around the
message is, don't look at the whole world. it overwhelms you and you get lost.
look inside you. find your beliefs about how you work, about what's in there,
and build them. and work from that core.

maybe my love wins because i offered it.

maybe it wins inside of me.
and maybe there isn't any other place i need to worry about.

'the kingdom of heaven is within.'

maybe this is a twist on that........
thank you, ms. bets!