honesty

the whole deal is pitiful.
sucks.
stinks.
her family hurt her about as deep as you can be hurt.
and here she is in her sixties struggling big time.

i listened.
we talked.
and then she said something that seemed odd to me.
she was trying to help one of the people who was so rotten to her.
and it seemed to me like the helping would definitely not be in her
best interest.

'why you tryin' to help her?' i asked, truly confused.

she choked up.
'because i want her to like me.'

'ahhhh.' i said.
nodding on my end of the phone.
'well, that's way good you know that and way cool you could say it to me.'

it was after i hung up that i cried about that one.

driving later, she was on my mind.
what she said hadn't left me.
it's amazing to me how deep that stuff goes.
how it's so hard to heal from the family stuff.

but i loved her honesty with what she was doing.

i didn't think it was a good thing.
and neither did she.
but that's where she was at.
and i think it's a really good thing to know where you're at.
i think knowing that and being honest about that matters a ton.

someteimes when i talk with people and try to point out something they're doing
that's messing with them, i never point it out to change them. i point it out
so they're aware of it. and i say stuff like 'it doesn't matter what you're doing
here. what matters is that you know you're doing it and you know why you're
doing it. the being honest with yourself part is what i think matters.'

because i don't think we can change a thing unless we see it.
and there are plenty of times we see it and aren't ready to change it.
i think that's okay.

i think the seeing is the hard part.
once seen, i think the rest is a process.
but the process can't start til we know there's something there.

honesty.

seems like that's yet another one of those repeat words.
honesty.
it keeps coming back.

if you want to grow, you gotta live in honesty.

i believe that with my whole heart.