Friday, October 26, 2012

processing processes

i can finally finally separate him from the fears.
i think.
and that has taken me years to get the hang of.

what the heck does that mean??
that means i can figure out it's not him that scares me.
it's the fears he touches in me sometimes that scare me.

and THAT is a big news flash.
i want to be able to do that with everyone.

thing is........i'm still not as quick on realizing the fears as i'd like to be.
i know. it's all a learning curve and i'm getting there. but that's a bit
of a drawback. i need to work on that part.

seein' as i was surprised that i didn't see the fear until i was talking
with him about it, i gave it some thought.

there's a theory that everything is either love or fear.

i like that theory.
i buy that theory.
boil it down enough and i've never found anything that didn't fit that.

i find boiling stuff down is tremendously helpful.

cause i get stuck in all the upper threads.

so there i was, tryin' to pick my feet up outta all kindsa sticky threads.
never asking myself  'what are you feeling now?'

cause it sure as heck wasn't love.
but i didn't stop to ask myself!
that's a place i want to really pay attention to.
the sticky upper thread place.

if i can stop myself before i go trooping around there.....
and just ask myself 'ter, fear or love?' it would really really
help the processing.

and i'm convinced we can change our processing and
improve how we react to life.

things are changing in my own processing slowly.
and i'm loving that.

first thing is the fears rest a lot more.
they're not as prevalent.
but that's not really big news as they've been SO prevalent,
they kinda HAD to get less sooner or later.

so okay they're not as prevalent.

it feels like they're these big ol' paper ghosts.
they lay flat down on the ground most of the time.
i only can kinda see their outlines.
but when the right thing happens - WHOOSH - they stand right back up.

when i told him this he said 'kinda like those targets you shoot at.
you just have to shoot them!'

i laughed.
we are SO different.
targets never entered my mind.

'well, that's not what tich would say' i said.
(referring to tich naht hanh)
'he'd say i have to embrace them.'

we joked about how shooting them sounded better.....
but the embracing stuff did stay with me.

i like being able to see them and separate them -
even if it's not as quickly as i want just yet.
and i like that they're not in my life as frequently anymore.
i like that.

but i tell you what.....i REALLY do NOT like the feeling they make inside me
when they do rise back up. i do NOT like that.

and i think maybe THAT'S an area of the process i need to look at as well.

embracing that?
i don't know.

how do you embrace something that makes you feel lousy?

maybe you try to understand that it's thinking it has to protect you.
that as far at that fear knows, it's helping you out and taking care of you?

so like.......if i could really understand that.......and hold that......and
embrace it and thank it and tell it i didn't need it anymore.....and let it go.......
that's what they mean, isn't it??? that's just what they mean.

but there's something in there that you need to have......
you need to have belief that you don't need the fear anymore.

you need to believe in yourself so much so that you don't need those fears anymore.

still some work on the processing ahead........
still some work.


Merry ME said...

Light bulb moment!
" it's not him that scares me.
it's the fears he touches in me sometimes that scare me."
Substitute the word anger for fear and I see some of my father/daughter relationship issues (still!) way more clearly.
It's not him that makes me angry, it's the anger he touches in me sometimes that scares me.
Wow. Powerful stuff.

terri said...

ha! awesome, mar!!!!