it's that time again...

there really is something about the anniversary of the day someone
you loved died that hits, isn't there?

between the news and just some personal stuff goin' on, i just figured
i was pushed over the edge and feelin' bad.

then i looked at the calender and realized that the anniversary of
my dad's death was the final factor in pushin' me over that edge.
i was a day early, but i don't think my insides cared.

i could feel it.

and i don't know, but somehow realizing that helped me.

i knew i needed quiet and i knew i just needed to watch.

and so i hunkered down with some quiet work.
i asked myself a few questions and watched and reflected and thought.

some cool stuff came up.
and one thing led to another.

probably the most cool thing i was led to was that i wanted to really truly see
who my dad was.

to not have it painted by some of my own baggage and such.
and even not have it painted by some of my kid-adoration which is
still inside of me. both are inside of me.

i wanted to just see him. who he really was.

i know......doin' that on your own with your own memories,
you probably can't ever really.
but i think you can get a lot more objective than you think.
and i think you can see a lot.

it ended up lifting my spirits.
i felt like i was truly honoring him by doing this.

something i really hate is when people just assume things about me.
especially when they're completely wrong.
but they just assume them and act based on those assumptions.

i hate that.

and yes, i do that to other people as well.

i have taken to much more often asking to be clear about what people
are thinking. but it's hard to get that down completely and assumptions
still take place right and left with me towards others.

and i think to truly love someone is to stop doing that and to listen and hear
and watch and learn.....always.

nah, you can't really do that with someone who's not here, can you?
everything you do has to be an assumption.
it's the nature of the game when you're doing it solo.

but i could still step back and look at things as objectively as i could.
and i felt good just even trying to do that.

it felt positive.
it didn't feel all wallowy.
it felt healing.

i didn't want to just post another anniversary of his death post where
i talk about how much i loved him.

he was a good guy who had issues.
what i respected most about him was his honesty and his integrity.

what probably got in his way the most was his fear.

he still teaches me long after he's gone.
he died six years ago today.
i still can't see christmas lights in the night without remembering
the drive back and forth from the hospital. alone in the car trying
to hold onto something......and finding those lights in the darkness
that kept whispering to me.

holding that light in the darkness this year so much so.
and trying hard to add to that light.