Monday, December 31, 2012

thrilled, scared and ready...

wouldn't you think a person could just live a couple of days
quietly, steadily and relatively unemotionally???

well, apparently this person doesn't know how to do that.

sometimes i feel like lifetimes of things happen inside of me in the course
of one day.

and it's been several days in a row like that.

which actually has been quite wonderful and difficult and fulfilling
and challenging and perfect timing as i get ready to figure out how
i want to meet the new year, and what it is i want to be holding when
january first dawns.

i've got a new book i've started. it's called 'wisdom bowls' with the incredibly
perfect subtitle of - 'overcoming fear and coming home to your authentic self'
by meredith young-sowers.

her subtitle is really probably the summary of what i want to do in 2013 -
overcome my fear and live from my authentic self.
and i laugh as i type that. i know. i know. i'll be working on this
for the rest of my life. already have been.
but i want to take some good strides towards it this coming year.
i want to really work on the fear.

here's the first thing i underlined in her book -

'Patching, mending, gluing, fixing, re-attaching, and re-balancing are the processes
we go through without realizing we're trying to repair sorrow and disappointment
in our lives.'

i underlined that sentence a few days before the universe smacked me in my gut
with what that really meant and brought me to my knees in front of those sorrows
and disappointments.

as i lay curled in a ball, i saw that if i didn't do some inner work that needed to be done,
i wouldn't truly be able to live the life i wanted.

i want to say it's a drag to be brought to that spot.
but i can't.
cause while i'm scared.....scared that i won't have what it takes in me to do
the work i need to....scared i'll drop the ball and never get it quite right....scared
that maybe i'm really what the self doubts say i am.......i'm also thrilled.

i think 'thrilled' would be just the right word.
thrilled at the gift that has landed on me.

what a gift to be brought to the feet of what's holding you back.
what a gift to know....that this needs to be resolved.
what a gift to want to resolve it.
what a gift to want to prove that self doubt wrong.
what a gift to want to live and live authentically.
and mean it.

i've watched people claim they want authenticity.
i've watched many who haven't a clue who they are claim they have authenticity.
for some reason it's something people choose to fool themselves with.
maybe we fool ourselves with everything and i just notice that one because
i want to learn it so much. i notice when people are foolin' themselves.

i don't want to do that.
i want it for real.
and i fool myself plenty.
plenty of times.

so to be brought to a spot that was so painful to be.
a spot where i put my arms over my head and closed my eyes,
not wanting to see, but knowing i had to.....knowing i wasn't fooling myself.
knowing it was mine to work with. knowing it was what needed tending....
there was a thrill in that.

and the timing........
as i sit with my new year's dreams,
i know none of them can come true without working on this.

and something about that makes me smile.

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