Tuesday, January 22, 2013

and the love thoughts begin...

i was gonna do some writings about love when february started.
just to get in the groove of valentine's day...and just to think about love.

but i guess between getting ready for valentine's day over here for
bone sigh arts, having some of my own personal stuff on my mind, and
watching tons of friends around me struggling with their relationships,
the inspiration hit a bit early.

and i had to sit down and write/think about love.

the break ups right now are all around me. much sadness, much grief,
much confusion and loss.

one more note from yet another friend losing her marriage,
made me sit down  and think.
what a darn shame we're not taught real stuff about real love in school.
honestly, why on earth not??? it affects us our whole lives, and we just
don't even ever really stop to think about what it is.
over and over again we get our hearts broken.

i sat and thought back...way way back...to when i was young and just
dreamed of boyfriends and love.

what did i think it was all about?

from what i can remember, it was pretty much about someone totally
loving me. someone seeing my value and beauty in a way no one else
ever had or would. i think it was probably about 'completing myself' -
like somehow i'd be 'whole'.......and i guess it was about filling in that
empty spot inside and just being happy. it was definitely with the idea
there was that one guy - that one soulmate - and somehow we'd know
each other and life would just be perfect. he would complete me. we
wouldn't have to work at loving each other, we would just be so happy
to be with each other.

it was completely a disney movie.

it took me a lifetime to lose those thoughts.
and a lotta effort.
i don't see love like that at all anymore.
and i'm relieved.
because that view doesn't even touch in on self love.
in that view, i somehow get lost in someone else.

and now i feel so deeply that self love is the foundation of it all.
i don't think you have to have self love down completely to love another.
at least, i hope not, as i don't have it all down yet for sure.
and i think loving another teaches me more and more about self love.
but i think it's gotta be there in a good chunk for a healthy start.

i don't think it's the other person who completes us.
i think it's in learning how to love the other person, that we complete ourselves.

to love another requires us to dredge thru our baggage and make our way
to the healthy stuff. it requires us to choose valuing ourselves for real,
believing in our strength, and pushing ourselves further than we ever thought
we could go. it requires loving for the sake of loving, not for the sake of getting.
it requires growth. and because of all that.....i believe it is the journey of love that
completes us.

that's a big difference.
and can totally take some weight off of prince(ess) charming.
they don't have to provide everything for us with this angle.

i don't think i believe in soulmates anymore either.
i don't think my guy is my soulmate.  i think he's the most incredible man
i know tho. i respect him, and admire him, and i know he's willing to do
the work with me to go deeper into what love really can be for us. i know
he wants to journey as deeply as i do. and that's what i want in a partner.

so i'm not sure it's a soulmate i want.
to me, that implies we're destined to be together.
it's a co-worker, co-explorer, co-pilot....that i think i'd rather have.
it's not a given that we're gonna make it.
it's our efforts together that make it.
and that's powerful right there.
i like that part.
it's up to us to make it happen.

none of this was my view thru life until after i lost my own marriage.

you coulda told me all this tho and i woulda nodded and said 'of course.'

of course. of course.
and never once would it occur to me that i hadn't the foggiest idea of
what any of it meant. sometimes we think we understand without ever
even stopping to look.

i think i had to have my world crumble to learn some of this stuff that
i believe so deeply now.

i'm now sitting in a spot where i have to grab these beliefs, and put
them into practice with extra care and extra effort. can't say i'm thrilled
about that on the one hand. honestly, i'd like to just go have some fun.
yet, on the other hand, i want to travel into some depths that i know are
there and know nothing about. and i know this is my way in.

so i grab my shovel, and keep on going.

the grief and struggle i'm watching around me reminds me of what i went
thru so many years ago. it reminds me to work hard now so i don't have to
go there again....and it reminds me that wherever i go, if i'm learning more
about love, then it's an okay thing.

self love.
it's a life time of lessons.
may we all learn from the journey.
and may we all go deeper and deeper into its mysteries.

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