i woke up filled with fear.
how does one even DO that?!
how can you be filled with fear before you're even AWAKE?
i guess that stuff on your mind doesn't go away, does it?
i opened my eyes and immediately felt the fear.
'well, at least you're self aware,' i thought.
'you know what it is you're feeling.'
when i'm unsettled, i clean. or cook.
so the fact that i was pulling sheets off the bed to wash while i was still in it,
wasn't a good sign.
nor the fact that my fridge was full of food i cooked last nite.
i got the wash going, picked up a few things on my way to the treadmill,
and then hopped on to exercise a little bit.
i knew no music was needed this morning.
my thoughts would pump me along just fine.
sure enough....no problem.
just wanted to move and move and move and move.
then i had the thought....step back and watch the emotions.
i had done this recently without even trying in a moment that was
incredibly difficult for me. i detached and watched. i was amazed
i was doing it, and pleased as it really can be helpful. it didn't
solve anything....but it kept me calmer, i think. for a little while.
so, okay...let me try this again.
and so i did.
only this time something different happened.
if you're familiar with these blogs, you'll know that a lotta times
i can have an inner conversation with 'little terri.' i can feel the adult
terri talking to the child terri. i find those times really helpful.
well, in a way, this was very similar....i could feel the bigger part of me.....
dare we call it the 'soul'??? talking to the smaller part of me........maybe
we can call that the emotions.
okay, how about this.....the soul will be 'ms. s.' and the emotions will
be 'ms. e.'
so ms. e. is running. i can picture her running down this road. she's
just running and saying she's scared. she's not stopping. she wants
to run away from what's scaring her.
ms. s. is calm as all get out and saying 'that's okay. you can be scared.
you want to be scared.'
so of course this catches ms. e's attention.
i WANT to be scared? oh please.
well, sure, says ms. s.
that's what you normally do to react. that's what you're used to.
you find comfort in that. your normal reactions give you some sense
of security. so go ahead, be scared.
ms. e. cocked an eyebrow.
not so sure about this finding comfort stuff as the scared felt miserable.
altho she did feel ms. s. had a point.
she kept moving down the road, but she was thinking about how she felt.
and complaining about life not being fair and shouting about death.
all at one time.
ms. s. was still way calm. she was opening her arms to the vastness of
the universe and kinda just floating around with it all.
ms. s. started talking about death...how it was all around ms. e. all the time,
it's not something new. it's not something that's gonna go away....it is
part of living and it's the exit that we take to move on. and that if ms. e.
really remembered who she was, she'd relax.
and then ms. e. brought up an interesting point......
she almost felt she HAD to be scared. if she wasn't scared, it'd be like
she wasn't paying attention.
you know that quote 'if you're not feeling rage, you're not paying attention.'??
something like that.
it almost felt like denial to say 'oh yeah, it's all okay. no problem. that six year
old over there can die cause well, she's gotta go anyway.'
that just doesn't seem to work right.
it feels like the ultimate huge denial.
and for my own personal reasons, i'm so so afraid of living the ultimate
huge denial. i've seen it. i don't want it.
so then there was a kinda mixing of the minds.....
where ms. e was pondering the whole 'we are infinite beauty floating in
infinite love' stuff.........
and because none of this conversation was taking any particular order,
this thought also popped thru 'you're eating your fear.'
ms. e. had no trouble believing that one.
i've been eating my fear for a solid week now.
just binging on all kindsa things i really didn't want.
and it seemed to me if i was gonna be doing it, at least i should know
i was doing it.
binging is a term i've gotten used to.
and can live with when i want to.
'eating my fear' kinda grabbed my attention.
and then, somehow, in the knowing........i just didn't want to anymore.
by the time i finished on the treadmill, i was hot, sweaty and calmer.
not perfectly calm, but calmer.
i went and took the trash out.
didn't put a jacket on.
i was hot.
i walked out in the dark and looked up at the sky.
how can anyone stay centered if they don't see the sky? i wondered.
i'm missing it. not seeing it nearly enough.
i stopped in my driveway and just looked up.
i don't want to eat my fear.
i don't want to run and run and run because there's some
kinda odd comfort in that.
i want to rest in the sky.
i'm not there yet, but i'm way closer than i was when i pulled
my sheets off my bed this morning........
i pictured ms. s. wrapping her star filled arms around little ms. e.
and i pictured ms. e. snuggling right on in and wanting to stay
tucked in. not wanting to run.
it's quite a process, this living stuff.
but maybe that's the beauty of being here.
the whole process we get to experience.