reacting

i hopped in the car thinking about it.

i had over-reacted to something and i noticed it.
i had gone and packed an order trying to figure out what was
going on with me.

wasn't that hard to figure out.
it had the same theme as something bigger that day,
and i was just reacting to the theme...

life's not fair.

life's not fair, and i want to control things.

yeah.
that's what i was reacting to.
the smaller thing that afternoon was just a reflection of
a bigger thing earlier......and i was feeling it.

so i drove in the dark thinking.

okay, if this was one of my sons, what would i tell them?
and so as i drove, i said out loud what i'd tell them.

'this is what you got.
you gotta do with it all you can
and be who you want to be
and then let it go.
you can't control the outcome.
you just gotta let it go
and move forward.'

okay.
yeah.
i believe that.
and i thought about it.
and i thought about the whole 'process' stuff i talk about.
trusting the process.

and being in the flow.
this new flow stuff that's coming alive in me again.

and how earlier in the day i said something like being in the flow isn't
about it all turning out how you want it to. that's not the deal.
it's about being in some sorta spot where you're living how
you want to live and you can feel it, and when life moves,
you trust it, you move with it.

it's the living who you want to be.

i thought about how i handled the thing i over-reacted to
in the first place. i was me. i figured no one else would agree
with what i did, but it was how i wanted to handle it.
it was from my heart, honest, and real. it wasn't hiding.

and that's what i want now more than anything.
no hiding.

and so i did it.
even tho i figured others would see it differently.
that's how i saw it.
and that's what i offered.

okay.
you did that.
now let it go.

i pulled in to meet him for dinner.
stopped him for an extra big hug before we went in.

as we sat down at the table he asked me what was
bothering me....

'i just want to control the world' i told him.

but you know what?
i really really don't.

i want someone else to do that.
i just want them to do everything my way.

until i get that, i'm gonna keep workin' on offering who i am,
struggling with it. wrestling with myself,
and then letting go.

over and over and over again.
maybe the wrestling and struggling will lessen after a bit.

one can hope.

which makes me smile......
cause maybe i can't control the world.....
but maybe i can work on me.

i look up to a scribbled note i have over my desk -

'the only thing i can truly own are my own actions.'

and once again, i head into my day....