suebear

it hasn't been my best week.
some emotional stuff weighing on me.
and while i've tried to use it to practice on,
it's still made me tired.
maybe even more so because of that.

i finally finally tackled myself and sat myself down to do numbers.
not my favorite thing to do anyway, and they're not that encouraging,
so really not a favorite thing to do right now.

had coffee to raise my mood a bit. that almost always does it.
nah.
i'm just gonna be mellow, i thought.

and then zakk walked in with a box.

i don't think i have ever seen a box packed with more love
in my entire life. and i'm pleased to say i'm no stranger to
boxes of love!

but i think knowing who this was from, her ability to wrap
with such pizzazz, the ribbons and bows, and stars, and shiny
paper, and glittery glitzy everything along with wonderful smells...
i think it truly is one of the most amazing things i ever got.

there is truly something so special about a feminine touch. and
she touched that thing up with such love it was amazing.

i was overwhelmed as i pulled present after beautifully wrapped
present out of the box. laying each one out on my table and grinning
at the stringy glittery stuff and stars that had spilled out,
my melancholy just disappeared. all the stuff i had been struggling
with just left.

you know how when you read a good book and you just disappear
and you forget you're laying on the couch reading?? well it was like that.

and i landed into this whole place that was just filled with the warmest love.
a profound love.

let me explain a bit.
it's from a friend of mine.
we met when i was just starting bone sighs.
she was just starting her own stuff as well.
she came thru a festival i was doing.
we got to talking.
and somehow......we've stayed friends for i think almost ten years now!

she's younger than i am.
not young enough to be my daughter...but gosh, i think that's close!
maybe a way younger sister.

and way too young to be dealing with what she's been dealing with
for way too long now.

she has cancer.
and she's fighting it so hard.

there's so much she's had to deal with. so much that no one her
age should deal with. no one ever...any age...should deal with.
and yet there she is. right in the middle of it. finding grace and gratitude
and laughter in every place she can.

i never know what to say to her about that.
i think she's so brave.
and yet, if you say 'you're so darn brave' it almost sounds like
you're not allowed to be weak. and i don't want to imply that
at all.

somehow she knows all that....because in the gift box was a little beaded
purse with a crab on it for the days that i'm not feeling the stars...and maybe
feelin' a little bit more crabby.......a reminder that it's okay and she still loves me.

yeah.
maybe i need to send her that purse back.
maybe we need to just keep passing that back and forth.

last time we were together, we talked of visualizing stars inside her.
we talked of how maybe she could use that in a medical procedure that might be
happening soon. (i actually have plans on writing more about that when i hear
the news on all that.) but stars have really taken on a life between us.

after we had lunch that day, that nite i was in my bathroom brushing my teeth.
i looked over at a star mirror i had in my bathroom. and i immediately thought
of her. i took it off my wall, dusted it off, and sent it to her.

interestingly enough, i never hung anything in its place.
be aware here, that's completely unlike me.
i have art everywhere and i have more than enough to replace it with.
and yet, i left a glaring bare spot right on that wall. for weeks and weeks now.
i just haven't had any desire to fill that empty spot. and it looks pretty empty like that.

and when i got to the present with the note on it telling me that she had taken
this piece of art down to hang her star mirror up, and she was sending me her
piece of art back, i totally gasped!

i couldn't unwrap the package fast enough. i couldn't believe it. i knew
it was going in that blank spot.

and there.....in this great frame that's gonna go perfect and i mean PERFECT
in my bathroom is this beautiful artsy collage (which makes me want to do collages!)
with this quote -

 ' What day is it? - It's today squeaked Piglet...My favorite day -said Pooh'

i so cried.

there's more. there's a bear with stars all over it....for terbear with the stars.....
there mittens and a scarf and a mustache soap for a good laugh and so much more...
and there was her christmas letter....explaining what a dark year it had been and
yet how more than ever she had felt blessed and thankful.

i cried and cried and cried.

i so totally do not understand this life,
i don't know why she has to be sick and why she has to go thru this,
and why i can't fix it for her when i so want to.

but i do know that somewhere, somehow mixed in all of the pain and struggle
and darkness is a magic that astounds me.

a love that overwhelms me.

and a gratitude that fills me sometimes so full i overflow.

suebear....you're one heck of a shining star.
i love you.