colds

i got hit hard with a cold last week.
i was okay with that because i figured that maybe there was a message in the cold for me.
that maybe it was time for me to slow down and listen.
what the heck.
i was game.

and so i tried.
i lay there on my bed looking out the window.
i watched a bird on the tree for a little bit.
i slowed down.
got quiet.

nothing.
just sneezes.

the cold progressed.
pretty soon my face was about as runny as it could get.
i had trouble keeping my eyes open.
there were times i just couldn't keep them open.
had to close them.

i started saying 'my face is melting off.'

after saying it the third time, i heard it.

my face is melting off.

ohmygosh.

what does that mean?!

masks?

is that what i'm sposed to slow down and pay attention to?
and how about the fact that i couldn't even see cause my eyes
were so runny?

seeing clearly??

is that in there too?

so, now i got excited.

my masks?
others' masks as well?

seein' myself clearly?
seeing others clearly??

i thought of some recent hurts.
of friends not seeing me.
how that had really hurt a lot.
i wondered how that was all mixed in it.

i put on a mask when i got hurt with them.
was 'okay' with it in front of them.

maybe that's not living real.

nah, i would think that's totally not living real.
but i did it so naturally and easily.

i hid myself like a pro.

a mask that hides your hurt.
why?
why do i hide my hurt?

is it as simple as i don't want to rock the boat?
i want to just let it go by and keep on going?
or does it make me more vulnerable to show the hurt?
or does it make me 'less than' to actually even be hurt?
does it open me to more hurts?
does it lead me down a road into really looking at stuff inside me
i don't want to see?

ohmygoodness......on a roll now i started going in a lot of different directions.

what masks did i wear that were holding me down?
did i want any masks at all?

did i see others' masks?

and the questions began.

i fell asleep.

when i woke up.....it was over.
the cold was over.

i lay there in bed thinking 'huh???'
how could anything so severe be over that quickly?

it was gone.
and i was left pondering masks.......my life.........and how to grow
more of what i want to be.

maybe the cold left cause it had done its job.
and maybe now i gotta do mine......