and just when i wasn't sure where to turn or who to ask,
i pick up mark nepo's book, 'the exquisite risk' - and i just about
squealed with delight.
because of course, of course, of course, he's dead on hitting things for me.
and probably the piece i'm most excited about today is his 'glass' thought -
'What we are is a clear water of life, and who we are is the glass that holds
that essence. Our personal identity is the glass we have shaped or been
shaped into. But the water of what we are can fill and fit any glass, no matter
its shape. It is very common to become so attached to the glass of our identity
that we grow afraid, even terrified, that should our identity break - should things
change - we would lose our essence. But as with water, spirit will fill any shape
it is given or allowed to flow into. So our sense of identity - who we are -
can change many times throughout a lifetime, and sometimes must, but the water
of life we carry, our portion of Spirit, is indestructible and will fill completely
whatever shape we assume to the world.'
....'I tried for so long to be the good Mark, only to have that glass crack,
letting the water of my heart fill a deeper glass that I can only call the authentic Mark.'
okay, this made me flip.
because while i believe i had this thought in my head, and knew and understood
some of my changes - i think i haven't had this thought way down deep where i
actually HELD those changes and lived as if i was changed.
i think somehow i've been holding on to past ways....kinda with a foot in two worlds.
hoping to make the two worlds somehow blend. not really able to give up a past
and i could see how that was totally affecting my wanting to control things.
i wanted to be able to respond to things from a different place than i really was.
a place that i worked from out of habit, not out of where i really am.
this has opened the floodgates for me.
i keep watching the things i do, the things i say, the things i want to do, and the
things i don't want to do.....
which identity am i operating from?
when do i fully release the past one and fully embrace the now one?
and then when does that one change again?
because i believe it must keep changing and changing and changing.