shhhh....and then squeal!!!

could it be?!
could it really be?!
the first day of birthday month!

birthday MONTH!

oh yes!

and here's the big news - i am ready to squeal about it, holler it from the rooftops
and play play play with the whole concept!

it's my birthday month!!!

and shhhhhhh.........it has NOTHING to do with my birthday.
well...okay....a LITTLE.

but not really. not mostly.

see.....last year i lost both my sister in law and another friend both
within a week of each other at the end of march. coming home from my
sister in law's funeral, i had a terrible headache.

that nite i got sicker than i've gotten in years.
i remember laying in bed that nite groaning with a high fever.

the losses, the sickness, the grieving led into may and i remember telling
my guy i just wanted to skip my birthday that year. he had only known me
to want to play with my birthday, so i remember the look on his face when
i said that. and i so meant it.

i tried to get into it as i didn't want to worry the guys.
i hammed it up as much as i could.....but i was pretty darn sad.

a year has passed.
and so many things have gone on inside of me.
so many things.

this year i want to play.
i want to live with all i have.
i want to dive in with two feet in and be here and celebrate being here.
and that had nothing to do with my birthday!
i started feeling that again very recently really strongly - before birthday month.

but the timing is perfect!
because now i can squeal and carry on and act like there's a reason
other than the fact that i want to squeal and carry on because i'm happy!
(some people feel better if i squeal for a reason instead of randomly squealing)

when i looked up at my guy the other nite and said 'i am gonna play my
birthday for all it's worth.' i saw the smile in his eyes. and i could almost
hear him thinking 'THERE she is.'

there she is indeed.
i'm here.
and i know what a gift that is.
and i know what gifts my life is filled with.
complete with a guy whose eyes smile when he sees me happy.

AND! all my guys in my life who will indulge me and play along with me.
i woke up to find a message at 12:01 kicking off birthday month from one son,
a silly e-card that's become a tradition around here sent at 12:05 from another son,
i got a snail mail card yesterday from my man, FIRST one ever, celebrating
the upcoming month, and a dear dear friend plays along as well and just sent
me an email with home-made art that made me toss back my head and laugh.
apparently, it's also save the rhino day!  not bad for a kick off, huh?!

i have so much to celebrate......so so much.
this month i'm gonna celebrate it for all i'm worth!
we'll claim it's because it's birthday month.........but shhhhh....now you know
the real reason - it's because i'm healthy, here, full of love, and grateful.

happy day one!