laughter, visuals and being human

it was a funny visual.
i got up laughin' from it.

i am in love with the most amazing man.
and while, yes, he does have some real neanderthal moments
that can mess with things between us,
not all my problems with things between us are his fault.

sometimes it's just me and my stuff reacting to him.

while it'd be nice if that wasn't the case......i know it is......
and i knew that was going on.

and i knew that sooner or later i'd have to look at my stuff and see what was up.

so i did.

and i saw.

and i sighed.

and i wondered what to do about it.

and somewhere along the line i did one of those in-my-head-conversations with him.
you know the ones......the ones where we're the only ones who get to talk, and we
get to make the other people in the conversation say whatever we want?
one of those.

but what happened was in this fantasy conversation where i get to say
anything to him and tell him just exactly what i think and get out some frustration -

i ended up throwing up my arms and spreading my hands wide and yelling 'I HAVE ISSUES!'

and i laughed right out loud from my own visualization.

it felt so good to just throw up my arms and claim it.

I HAVE ISSUES!
AND THEY GET IN THE WAY SOMETIMES!

and my gosh, they feed the fears sometimes!

and this one is mine!

i have issues!

and they run my reactions at times, and they mess with my head sometimes.

and i'm so grateful that he knows, understands, waits, and loves me anyway.

i gotta tell ya, the whole throwing up my hands thing just turned something
inside me. i think maybe the mix of owning my stuff, laughing about it, acknowledging
the frustration, and realizing that it can't always be easy for those around me -
well it made those around me, and especially that guy of mine, extra precious.

well, that, and crying and telling him about it too.
that turned something inside me as well.

we all have issues.
it's not always the other guy.
and how wonderful if we can see that, hold that, and understand that we're loved anyway.

how totally totally awesome is that?!
i think somewhere in there is one of those slices of the real beauty of being human.

and the visual?
i think it's one i'm gonna hold on to as well.
it makes me laugh every time i think of it!