standin' in my own way....

so i have this whole enlightened moment (see blog below)
which actually lasts for maybe two whole days....
which for me is a looooooong time.

and then.....
bam.
i don't want to do any of it.

love?
get beyond myself and really love?
pllllllppphhhhhhhhhhhppppppp (that would be the raspberry noise)

i ran into a place where i really coulda stepped into love way way more
than i did...but i just didn't feel like it.

and i watched that.

and i shook my head.

no, i didn't beat myself up.
i didn't even wrestle with myself.
i just saw it and saw how much of a block it was.

i thought figuring stuff out was the hard part.
how do you figure this stuff out if you don't really know what there is
to figure out? you just gotta stumble your way into it all.
feels hard to me that way.

but you know what's harder?
DOING  what you learn when you're feelin' lazy or selfish or just plain ol' not interested in trying.

wow.
i was all of the above.
and i knew darn well i wasn't gonna do anything the least bit enlightened.

so okay.
there's more than having an insight, isn't there?
there's gettin' beyond yourself when you stand right in the way!
and i've been watchin'....i can be pretty stubborn when it comes to
standing in my own way.

i picture a mule that will not be moved.

yeah.
that'd be me at times.

the thing i find fascinating about that?
why so stubbornly refuse to walk into the light,
why so stubbornly want to stay in the not so great spot?

why on earth does that appeal more?

there was some need there.
and instead of beating myself up about it all,
that's what i watched.
and i wondered about.

what was the need?