Wednesday, August 28, 2013

thirteen again???

i musta cried fifteen times before 3:00.

i cried when i was frustrated.
i cried when i was happy.
i cried when i was moved with something sappy.
and every time i watched it after that!
i cried when i was sad.
i cried when i was scared.
i cried when i was laughing.

and then i realized - i'm thirteen again.


when i was thirteen if you looked at me funny, i burst into tears.
i burst into tears when you didn't look at me funny.
i just tended to burst into tears.

i will always remember a moment at dinner when i was 13 and my
dad said something. who knows what cause it sure didn't take much,
it could just be a tone, a look or a word. and i burst into tears. and
his face......his face........i'm laughing just remember it........was soooooooo
frustrated. because he never knew when the tears were coming.

oh lord.

guess what?

i'm thirteen again.

it's the whole transitioning to the 'empty nest' thing that's goin on in my life.

i haven't directly talked about it yet as i was trying to separate my stuff from
my sons' sutff and keep their stuff out of the blog. but this is my stuff.
definitely my stuff - the first time ever in my whole life i have terri time all to myself -
or as some call it 'the empty nest.'
it's official within a month.

a whole lotta me is excited.
but then there's a good ol' hunk of me that's sad.
and then there's everything in between.

and while i thought i had it mostly under control,
i realized after about the 12th time of crying in a matter of hours,
that maybe i didn't.

and part of me is really really tickled about this.
i'm tickled i'm leaking tears at every turn.

cause i woulda so easily fooled myself and told myself i had it down,
i was good, was okay.

i like this better.
cause it's real obvious to me that there's stuff inside me that needs to come out.
there will be writing and crying and feeling....along with dancing and laughing and
gasping with joy.

there's this mix that i don't recognize.
the pure joy and excitement, the terror, the sadness......
and every emotion seems magnified.
i honestly don't remember ever having this mix inside of me before.

but wait.......maybe i have......maybe that's what it felt like to be thirteen.
i'm not really sure.
i just remember the tears.

and it makes me grin.
cause i'm thinking i'm returning to thirteen....with the eyes of a 52 year old.
can you imagine?!
that's one heck of a combination!


Diane in AR said...

Dear Leaky Eyes,
Being 13/52 is grand. . .it is you - you are awesome and you've raised three awesome sons - and you are definitely allowed lots of tears at their growth, the changes for all of you, this new chapter of everyone's life. . .it is all good, all okay. . .
Love, another leaky eyes. . .

terri st. cloud said...

dear another leaky eyes...
i just love you...

Margie said...

It's always okay to cry!
Empty Nest is hard, I remember as I cried buckets of tears.
Hang in there.