a thought

a new idea was  brought to my attention...
and it's something i kinda hope i can remember.
thought it probably fit more than just me.
so i'll try to share.

you know how when you get the flu, you can't cope with regular ordinary things?
for me, working at home, a lotta times i gotta work when i'm sick
and just tryin' to do an ordinary everyday task can bring me to tears.

you know that deal.
we all do that.
we all gotta do stuff we're really not up to when we're sick.
and the dealing with the stuff that can be everyday easy when we're feeling fine,
can just bring us to our knees when we're not.

we say of course it does, we've got the flu,
we don't have all our strength.
we don't question that. and we understand that everything is clouded
with that fever.

well, for me, sometimes when something really deeply hits me emotionally -
it does the same thing. it's like i've got an emotional flu.

i think while i've always been aware of this to a point - when you're obviously
upset about something and you get upset because dinner didn't turn out right,
you kinda know it's cause you weren't too steady to begin with - that kinda thing -
i knew that.

but i don't think i really knew how subtle it can be.

there are a few landmines inside of me.
they get stepped on, and some really deep emotions go off.
extra deep.
i know that too.
but i think i forget how deep they are.
and how many tremors they can shake my foundations with.

but how about when they get tripped, and you know it, and you go to
try to deal with it? you figure you realize what the emotional reactions are,
you allow for them, and you try to move on. but perhaps you've still got
that low-grade fever and you're not ready to take on your day to day life
like you think you are. maybe those tremors are still rumbling way down deep.
but you move on.

this happened to me.
land mine goes off.
i saw the reaction, and i tried to work with it.
and thought i had.
moved on.
but underestimated what it had done to me.
what it was still doing.

i did the things i thought i had to,
and kept going.

and when other things started rockin' me further away from any center,
i just assumed it was because of me. of bad things about me. i go
right to bad assumptions about myself.

it didn't occur to me that i was knocked off center in the first place,
and things that really wouldn't do much rockin' normally, were creating quite a lot
of motion because i was ripe and ready for motion and certainly nowhere
as near center as i thought. it didn't occur to me it was happening cause
i was emotionally upset.

it was all 'low-grade' - i could go about my business, not really notice,
and so i blamed my weaknesses.

i think this happens more than i know.
and i think just realizing this felt a little liberating.

you  know how when you have the flu and you just feel so unhealthy?
you ARE unhealthy. but you know you'll be good and back to feelin'
healthy in a few days. you know that, so you don't think of yourself as
always unhealthy. it's temporary. you know it's temporary.

with the emotions, i'm not that clear.
when i'm in that low grade fever time and things are rockin' my world
all around, i don't realize what's goin' on - and it certainly doesn't feel temporary.
it feels like it's there to stay. and i feel like there's something wrong with me.
deeply wrong with me.
i don't realize it's temporary.
and it's reactions.

and what a wonderful thing to realize.

and i think this may be a hard one to know and believe in when it's actually
happening. but i want to start trying to remember this. cause i think it will make a difference.
and maybe help me ease up on myself, and give myself a little bit more tender care.