newsletter post...

you just don't know til you step into things what they're gonna be like do you?
and ohhh the delight when it turns out to be SO much better than you ever coulda
imagined! oh man, that's one of those little pieces of heaven!

i laugh with glee every time i see the surprised reaction that comes after i tell
someone how much i'm loving the empty nest stuff. those who know how close
i am to my sons look shocked and then tell me they were sure i was going to
fall apart. 'me too!' i exclaim! 'me too!'

but then again -
i have it easy. they're close by. i can easily see them.
i have it easy. i'm in love with someone i plan on eventually living with.
i have it easy. i'm an introvert and like quiet time.

so there's a ton of 'easy' to this that i'm taking, embracing and running with.
and the not so easy? well i scream and cry and talk to the walls at those points,
and so far that's working. because over all i'm feeling like i just got handed
one heck of an opportunity -

i'm really deeply pleased to have a chunk of time to take a look at myself,
and hopefully address a few things inside me that need addressing.

i had been kinda concentrating on looking at those areas and seeing all the
inner hurdles i have yet to leap. and there's a few doozies waiting for me.
but then i saw some other stuff.

some of the stuff i HAD learned.
and i know how it works - i'll have plenty of opportunities to learn them deeper.
life's not gonna let me get cocky!
and so i don't get cocky. i realize that i'm just starting to learn.
but i'm beginning to understand some of them a little bit anyway,
and i think that's gonna be a big help as i wander thru the doozies.

i'm pretty sure that i don't think life is 'supposed' to be any certain way anymore.
i'm pretty sure that i understand that there's no guarantees and really all we can
do is try to get the best out of anything that comes our way. and that is really
one of the few places we have power in this life.

and i have moments - just moments - where i understand i can't control life.
i have thousands upon thousands more moments where i forget that and try my
utmost to control the daylights out of it. but then when i fall back in exhaustion,
that's when i usually remember - oh yeah. can't do that.

and i'm thinking maybe i've been hit in the face so much with that, i'm starting
to nod at that thought a whole lot more and believe it more with each nod.

and i think i want to carry these things into my time of solitude now.
i want to face demons that need facing, i want to wrestle with parts of me that
negatively control me...and then i want to fall back in exhaustion, remember
it's a process, there's no 'supposed to be' and that i can still soar with gunk
on my wings. (thanks, mar, for that one.)

i'm thinking that all this will be circles, spirals, waves, over and over -
all bringing me deeper into terri.

and i'm thinking that life handed me this time right now.
and with all i have, i want to embrace it and live it.