the clash of the desires

i don't even know how to describe what it is we do.
i guess we try to love each other.
no.
that's not right.
let's take 'try' outta there.

we love each other.

and we try to get better and better at it.

thing is, we work so completely different that it takes a lot to learn and to really understand.
throw in the issues that drive us so silently that mostly we don't even know they're there......
and well, it takes a lot of effort.

and the deeper we go, the deeper we have to look inside ourselves.

so while it's a relationship that pushes me here,
it's my stuff that i end up waltzing with.

and lately the dance has been showing me some stuff with how i work
and i've seen some changes i'd like to make with myself.

what's really interesting is it's not changes 'for him.'
it's not changes to please someone else.
yes, the changes would help us, i believe -
but it's me that i want to do it for.
and THAT right there is something i'm smiling about.

in the past when a change has been really hard to make, or there was a hurdle
in front of me that seemed incredibly difficult, i held other people in my mind,
and made the effort for them.

that seemed fine to me.
still does.

but this........this feels like a really important shift that's happened.
this wanting to do something so much for myself and my own growth.
this feels really right.

some hurdles i'm not sure how to hurdle.
but the desire...the drive.......it's there..........for me.

i know it's time.

the changes are in ways i think.
in ways i react.
in habits and thoughts that are ingrained.

not easy changes at all...

lost in how to make those changes, i sat down and scribbled some notes to myself.
i mean, seriously, how does one create a new thought process?

and in my notes i wound up with the standards you hear in just about any description
of quality living  - live in the moment, watch where you focus, hold the gratitude.

and.....and..........and.......this one -
be aware of the desire. watch the desire that's at the bottom of it all.

that seemed like the one to sit with.

for me, when things get really challenging.....my deepest desire is to leave it all
be, to not change, to keep it in my comfort zone. there's some deep desire
to stay in the muck. there honestly is.

so.
i see a desire on the surface. a pretty desire. one i like. one i'm proud of -
make a change for me.

and then, i see a desire in the bones. not one i'm proud of, but know i must claim -
stay in your comfort zone and don't change, roll in the muck a bit.

actually, i don't see it. that's what makes it so tricky.
but i know of its existence from just living the life of terri.

and so i sit.
seeing one pretty desire that's just started to bloom.
and knowing a difficult one lurks in my bones.
and knowing they'll find each other.
over and over again.

what to do?

i do not know.

so for now, i dance and i sing and i revel in my new home and i keep asking...
and somehow, that feels like just the right thing to do.

revel in my life.
and just keep asking.