Friday, October 4, 2013

wanting to fix things....

as i listened to her story,
my heart just sank and my stomach felt sick.
it was all so wrong.
and it had to be affecting her deeply in many different ways.
i could see how this was taken from her, and that was taken from her,
and how heartbreaking this part was, and how heavy this other part was.
and i just felt terrible for her.

and there was no making it better.

it would be something she'd spend the rest of her life trying to be okay with.

she's someone i love a ton.
and someone i wish i could give the world to.
someone i wish i could make things right for.

and all i could do was offer my empathy.

i hung up the phone, browsed thru some books looking for guidance,
saw some stuff on not trying to control life,
and then went and threw some darts and thought about it all.

thoughts went thru my head.
easy to say don't control and release and all that,
but gosh, sometimes things are just so wrong you just want to fix them!
nah....i knew better.
it didn't matter how wrong it felt........we weren't in control.
and we have to learn how to live with that.

'don't count on people, they'll hurt you and let you down.' i thought.
'oh, that's just great.' i answered myself.

okay, what then?

maybe just this -

every choice we make matters.
and what we choose to put our energy on matters.
and even when it seems impossible not to put our energy on a bad situation,
we must must must must gather the muscle to focus it elsewhere.
and in focusing it on the healthy, the positive, the growth inducing,
we are stepping into that mystery that's behind it all -
even behind the bad situations.

we step into the mystery by leaving the other behind.

way easier said than done.
i know that.

but it's a choice - the mystery or the injustice.

i realize she's nowhere near doing that yet.
there's hurt to walk thru, sadness to experience, things to feel for a bit here.
i realize that's part of the journey.
i also realize there's a time that needs to shift.

i can't, nor do i want to rush her.
but i can watch, think about this, work on where i put my energy thru this,
and see if i can get any better at making it more than just words and faking it -
if i can step into the concept more and make it more part of my own living.

every choice we make matters.
that is one thing i can control.......


Diane in AR said...

Awesome and heartbreaking blog today - like you, my heart hurts for your friend, like you, I would want to be that magic fixer who could make, so or do the exact thing that makes it all better. . .but, like you, I realize it is all about choices and I pray your friend makes the wise choices for herself. I am filled with gratitude knowing you are there for her to talk to and you will be there when she needs you to listen again. . . Concentrating on making wise choices for me - it's all I have control of. . .good lesson, thank you!!

terri st. cloud said...

thanks, sure can suck sometimes.....