Friday, November 22, 2013

a pretty awesome dance partner

something amazing is taking place.
and i am totally totally tickled.

i've had a lotta happiness in my life.
when i had my first baby i totally experience euphoria right after the birth.
i mean, it was EUPHORIA.
never had it before or since -
it was one heck of a feeling!

and there was total joy in spending life with my sons.
so many moments of pure joy.

and i think of when my guy asked me to marry him.
i never felt like that before.
it totally shifted something heavy inside of me and changed me.
i was walking on air for a long long time.

sometimes the happiness between him and i is so wonderful i could pop.

there's been a million moments of happiness
(and yes, i'm way grateful for that!!)

but something new is happening in the department of happy -

this time it doesn't have anything to do with anyone else.

that's not true.
if i didn't have my family i wouldn't feel this way.
having them healthy and close by and feeling loved by them all
and loving them back - that all makes the rest of this possible.
that's not lost on me. they ARE part of it.

but that said -

this other part is just about me and life.

it's me and life checkin' each other out and likin' each other.
and it's the most wonderful thing ever.

i was thinking about it, because you see, this is all really surprising me.

the absolute joy i'm experiencing in spending time with myself.
i had no idea this was gonna happen.

it's not like i gotta think 'okay, what would i like to do now.'
or 'okay, what is something that you would enjoy?'

it's not happening like that.

there's this whole life of its own this joy has.
things just pop in to do.
and i do it.

and that's including things like 'let me put out the trash.'

i am not kidding.

even putting out the trash has been fun!

i walk out into my yard to the trash can.
i look at the sky, feel the weather, check out my yard,
feel like i'm taking care of the place by doing this big job of taking
the trash out. (it doesn't take much for me to feel proud of myself!)
and i feel good.
really really good.

i'm not even worried about when this will shift and i'll feel down and blue.
cause i already have thru out this. things will get to me. make me sad.
i'll have that blue stretch for days.
but i keep coming back to this joy of getting to know life.

so i'm even okay with the next blue spurt -
cause i know i'll be back to the exploring.

people might smile and say 'oh that terri has everything, it's easy for her to feel happy.'
and i'd kinda have to scrunch my nose and squinch my eyes -
cause i'm not sure what i'd say to that -

cause i don't have everything and i want people to know that.
so they know they can feel really happy too.
there's a ton i don't have.
but then again - i do have everything - cause i know what i got.
and i think if you know what you got, you got it all.
so i do have everything.

so maybe then i'd want everyone to know they have everything too.
and then again, they don't have everything.
cause that's the way it works.

makes me think of one of my favorite sentences ever -
'that just like a big so what?'

and i'm really thinking life is right here waiting for us to dance with it......

i don't know.
but i do know me and my dance partner, life,  have been flirtin' a bit over here
and really really enjoyin' it. it doesn't even seem to matter that i have two
left feet. seems to be part of the dance. part of the deal. part of life.


Diane Stefan said...

Dance terri, dance. . .it's wonderful that you could not even have anticipated how amazing and joyful in all things this new chapter of your life would be - heck, if you'd known, you probably wouldn't have believed it - love the way you're dancing, joying, loving and living life!!

Anonymous said...

When I was teaching, I left this thought with my kids at the end of every year....."I hope you dance".......Terri, keep dancin.' Some of my most precious times are those when I've simply danced with life. I knew you'd discover things about yourself on your new journey! Thank you for being so willing to share....and keep dancin.'......marsha

terri st. cloud said...

thanks you guys! smilin' at ya!

Sue Scott said...

Yes! Yes! Feeling so happy and FULL from reading this. All about loving what you have. I'm flirting with that place too....most days. Got bills I can't pay....worries of all sorts....but MAN o MAN...I friggin' love me some life dance!!!! So much joy to be had in the littlest things. Am I sad because I am going to go meet my friend's baby today and I will never have a baby that is partly me?!?!? Heck no! I'm going to spend time with a baby that belongs to my very beautiful friend of 30+ years! Her joy is my joy! Joy is in the perspective. Heavy things for all of us.....but joy in each day and each experience of love and connection. Thanks for these words, my beloved TerBear. Feeling joy because you're in my world. And inTHE world.

terri st. cloud said...

way to go, sue! you're gonna feel a lotta losses. and the sad for that makes sense.....but if you can always hold that you LIVED - you made it thru - well, then that counts for a ton, doesn't it??