the mix of life

we knew it had to happen.
the sad had to land in the joy.
it had to.

and it did.
the really really bone deep sad.

i felt it land.
nodded.
knew it had to come in at some point.

what should i do now? i asked myself.

i turned up the christmas music,
and dug back into the decorating.

a song came on i love.
i danced a bit and smiled.

but the song ended.
and so did my dance.
i went back to hanging things and thinking.

i'm a 'doer' - a 'fixer.'
prolly the only masculine thing about me.
i want to fix things - well life things anyway.

this is something that would never ever be fixed.
and that broke my heart over and over and over again.

as i hung some lights i remembered something a friend told me recently.
it's her story so i'll just share the gist -
someone  was given the job of 'tear catcher' because there was nothing else
he could do but he could catch the other's tears.

it was one of the most beautiful things i ever heard.

maybe i can be a tear catcher for myself, i thought.

and the thought soothed something inside me.

i think it's such a beautiful space making thing -
and to do it for yourself?
well it felt like such an act of self love and something i truly needed right then.

i kept decorating and 'catching my tears' in many different ways.

a song came on that felt like a prayer.
i fell into it.

another song came on that seemed to touch everything i was feeling,
i let my heart rip open.
and i caught my tears.

and i knew that was all i could do.

and while it wasn't enough - it kinda was.
it was enough to get me thru anyway.
and maybe even more than getting thru -
it kept me present.

and maybe that's exactly the idea.