Monday, January 27, 2014

boulders, roots, distractions and ways of traveling.....

perhaps it really does happen that as you grow,
more and more things come up for you to look at.

in making the decision to face something that's been gettin'
in my way for years, it was as if i pulled up a whole tangle
of roots that needed to be looked at, untangled, and pruned.

when i had made the decision to face this something,
this something i endearingly have named 'the boulder,'
it was right around then that some shame surfaced.
and i knew this time i didn't want to just let that shame settle back into its comfy
spot to rise again whenever it felt like it.

i knew this time i wanted to take it on and deal with it.
i figured it would help me with the boulder.

so now i had the original boulder i wanted to face,
and a lump of shame sittin' in my hands.
before long, the boulder and the lump were showing me their
attachments to many roots buried way down deep.

as i was going thru some of it,
i got a pretty clear glimpse at how it was all connecting in my life.
and i swear, in all seriousness, i thought i was gonna throw up,
and then faint.

i'm laughing here.
what can i say??
not much of a warrior there, huh?
but i kept at it.

and i'm still at it.
and i have no idea where it's taking me.

i have decided that i'm gonna travel this as much as possible with my partner.
i've decided that it's thru another person that i'm gonna learn some stuff i need
to learn.

for me, this is monumental.
i have never wanted to include anyone in this close.

and i wanted to put that out for anyone else on the journey.
yeah, i'm lucky enough (and i don't take that lightly at all - i totally know how
lucky i am) to have a partner who's right beside me workin' with me.

but not everyone does.
so maybe that's where a counselor comes in.
cause i'm thinking it matters to have someone next to you.
next to you for real. walking thru it for real.
and counselors can be awesome for that kinda thing!

i would have said i could do this on my own before.
i'm a big believer in finding what you need inside you.
looking within and workin' on things yourself.
that's important.
but for me, a lot of this shame needs to be countered with my trust in
someone else. i'm not even sure what all i mean. i'm not sure what exactly
that's about. but i have a real strong sense, that i need to let my partner
right into the trenches here with me.

and no, that's not comfortable, it's incredibly vulnerable,
and really honestly something i'd prefer to skip - but it feels way important.

and i'm almost wondering -
maybe it's the act of doing that -
letting someone else in like this -
maybe that part is really what it's all about.

you know, like in a magic trick when you're lookin' at one thing
and something's happening somewhere else??

so here i am, i focus on the shame or the boulder or trying to untangle the roots.
but maybe that's just the distraction.

maybe i'm so busy focusing on this other stuff when
maybe all the answers i'm looking for will come  thru the act of
trusting someone so much so that i'll  share this part of the journey with them.

wouldn't that just be wild?

there's been a lotta hurt along the way that wants to stop me from doing just that.
but this time, there's something bigger than that hurt -
it's the desire to get beyond it.

and that's pushing me to new places.
for that alone, i gotta be grateful.

No comments: