clearing off the table that sits under my living room window,
i pulled up a chair, plopped down my laptop
and decided this would be my office for the day.
one of my better decisions.
from here i can watch the world become transformed
from what must be this last blast of winter.
i look straight up into the gray skies and can't see the snow falling.
it's not there. not visible anyway. all i see is a gray-white blanket.
if i look over at the tree branches against the gray,
i see the buds of spring hangin' on thru the cold blasts shaking the branches.
they will not be discouraged. and it makes me smile.
it's not til i look further down that i see the flakes blowin' sideways
and in circles, falling, falling, falling.
i like that.
the fact i can't see the snow when i look up high.
not sure why.
just adds to the magic of it all, i guess.
sitting alone in the house, by the fire, i get lost in the snow and my thoughts.
seems like i wonder a lot these days of 'what it's all about' and 'where i'm going' -
i helped myself to some soup i had simmering on the stove.
grabbed a whole wheat roll that was still warm from coming out of the oven.
i sat down on my couch and had lunch.
i tasted the soup.
REALLY tasted it.
thought about how i really liked the taste of lentils.
and how good the soup tasted.
i just sat with the soup.
then i took a bite of the roll.
that was an extra treat.
i don't eat much wheat anymore.
and i hadn't baked any kinda bread in years.
it was beyond delicious to me.
it was such a treat.
i noticed how i was sitting on the couch.
and appreciated how i fit on it.
it was as if it was built for my size.
i leaned into it and realized how much i liked it.
it had been something i bought at the thrift store,
needing a couch, figuring one day i'll get a brand new really nice one.
always thinking i'd replace it.
always feeling a bit apologetic for it.
just then i realized i didn't need to.
it was perfect for me.
how had i never realized that before?
staring at the fire, a real warmth came over me.
i wasn't cold at all.
something i've rarely felt in my house this winter.
i noticed it and soaked it in.
it's probably a hot flash, i thought, and laughed.
whatever it was, it felt good.
'maybe this is it, terri.' i thought.
this complete presence and appreciation.
maybe this is where your answers are -
in just being present and appreciating.
when it's all said and done and you're reflecting back
on whether you really lived or not, don't you want to know that
when you tasted your whole wheat rolls, they were the best rolls you ever tasted?
don't you want to know that your body fit just right into your couch, and
that you loved lentils? and soup on a snowy day made you feel like the
coziest person alive?
honestly i think that is what i want to know at the end.
along with all the other things i want to add to that list that i enjoyed, noticed
and soaked in. including the people and the love, of course.
maybe it's nothing more than that.
and maybe that's the simplest and hardest thing ever.
the snow keeps falling.
my world is transformed today.
and i'm thinking maybe, just maybe, there's an angel up in that white gray blanket
of sky that's absolutely tickled i stopped and noticed.