the people around me

recently i decided to tap into the incredible wealth of thoughts, insights and experiences
of the people around me. i wrote to a buncha different people i know asking for their thoughts
on different subjects. i hope to be posting one of their responses each week.

our very first post is posted anonymously as she mentions AA and therefore needs
to keep her name private.

i am delighted to share a little window into her experience down the road of recovery -
thank you, friend, for this offering!

........

I stopped drinking twice. The first time I stopped because I experienced a blackout, and it scared me. I didn’t even realize what it was, at the time. A blackout is when a space of time passes and you don’t remember what happened during it. Wait, how did I get here??? It doesn’t mean passing out; it means totally blanking out. But I didn’t work a recovery program the first time, and that makes a big difference. At that point, I didn’t even know the word recovery. So about a decade later when my life hit another stress point, I lapsed. And when this happens, it sweeps over you like a mudslide. It makes up for the lost time.

My husband and I had recently moved, and it was a difficult one. We also met and started going on double dates with a couple who really enjoyed their alcohol. Oh, they were very refined and classy, but it was a lot of alcohol. I was really feeling gleeful whenever we got together, but this phase was what accelerated my fast decline into having four or more drinks of one kind or another every single day.

I knew it was a problem, but I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I was afraid of what I’d find out. I looked things up on the web: How do I know if I’m an alcoholic? I watched the show called “Intervention”; I picked up books about drinkers. Luckily, I happened to sign up with a new doctor that I liked and trusted, and we had a discussion. At her encouragement, I tried to go a week without drinking, but didn’t make it. I asked her to refer me to a therapist who specialized in addictions. That was a huge relief to be able to confide my concerns to someone!!! After I’d seen her a few times, she asked me to consider AA. I resisted a bit; I had judgments about the type of people I’d find, but I went. Here’s something important I learned right away: every meeting time and location have a different flavor. I tried only twice: the first place felt dirty, somehow, a lot of smokers. The second location felt very clean and comfortable and welcoming. The people spoke my “language”; I related to them. I felt seen. I belonged.

I eagerly picked a sponsor; I was very interested in what the 12-Step Program was, and wanted to get started. Through my first year, I worked steadily with my sponsor, earning “chips” along the way. I loved having some direction! I felt invigorated, excited. No more guilt, no more hiding how much I’m refilling my glass, feeling sneaky and ashamed, even to my sweet husband! I had no previous idea that this was what “recovery” was about, or I would have skipped many months of feeling desperate and sneaky and guilty!

Let me say one last thing, which is important. People dig in their heals because AA is a “spiritual” program. They hear the name “God” and they freak out, shouting about abuses by “organized religion”. Here is the phrase that is used in the program: the God of your Understanding. That’s right; you can have your own belief system. Quite often, I’m not sure myself what I believe in, but I know there’s a mystery out there, that’s bigger than me, and that’s all I have to admit … that I’m not in total control of this life. For some reason, that works. But one has to be willing. Willing to embrace change in your life. Willing to let go, a little, and keep an open mind. As long as you dig your heels in, thinking I’m different and making judgments, well, you’re just ignoring the main issue.

I’ve been embracing life for three full years now. It just keeps getting better. The principles of the program deliver what they promise. You just have to do the work.

.......


Official Site of AA with information: "Only You Can Decide"
http://www.aa.org/lang/en/subpage.cfm?page=12

An online chat room that holds scheduled meetings and just hangs out together in between.
http://www.aaonline.net/

This is a pamphlet that answers Frequently Asked Questions:
http://www.aa.org/pdf/products/p-2_44questions.pdf

This is a link to full online versions of the show, "Intervention". 
http://www.aetv.com/intervention/video