fumbling, but trying.....

so i'm thinking about gratitude and love
and what they are and where they lead and how they're connected.

it occurs to me that if you can feel both in the ick,
then you're doin' something right.

then i have a conversation which i hear myself say very convincingly
that you have to be okay with not being okay. that it's all part of the process.

and then - on purpose - intentionally, i go face some ick.
i tried so hard to find the beautiful moments in the ick
and notice them, hold them, shine light on them.
i really tried.
and i did it.
somewhat anyway.

i could feel myself squirming at times.
i could feel the smile on my face and wondered if it looked as pained as i felt,
and i tried really hard to stay present.

and then i walked home, arms crossed around myself, holding my jacket tight,
fighting back the tears.

i thought of someone on facebook yesterday saying things can just suck.
this is one of 'em, i thought.
this just plain and simple sucks.

i busied myself with work.
not wanting to talk to anyone or have anyone ask how it went.
i just wanted to work.

and then i thought of the gratitude.
could i be grateful for anything here?
and i found something.
and i held on to it tight.

i'm pretty sure i'm not sposed to do that.
i'm pretty sure i'm sposed to just fill with it and be with it.
not hang on to it like a lifeline,
but what can i say?
enlightenment is still lifetimes away for me.

it was a moment......of eyes meeting eyes.
one set not comprehending what the other set was looking for.
but still - they weren't angry.
they weren't empty.
or well......not totally empty.

and i got a chance to tell her i loved her.
knowing full well it was for my benefit i was saying it,
but i said it anyway.

finding gratitude and love in this situation......
i guess i can find moments. totally can find the love moments easily.
workin' hard on the gratitude moments.

and knowing i got a long long way to go before i really get this whole
accepting life thing down, and being light even when it feels way way hard.......

but so grateful i get a chance to try.