a bill of goods?!

my gosh....
those childhood things we carry around....
they really really do affect us in a thousand
million different ways, don't they??

sometimes i think i have them down. know what
they are.......
but then something will surprise me.

and then sometimes i'll connect stuff for the first
time...and be totally amazed.....

there's this part of me...
a totally childlike part. it's a beautiful part.
fun and good and innocent and delightful and exuberant
and joyful.....totally playful........
and SO strong that i can't let it out......
it's 'too much' for the world.

mostly, i'm okay with that.
mostly.
but deep down there's a real sadness.
i want to let it out...
but don't know where.

i'm contemplating some outlets right now.....
but something clicked last nite as i was thinking
about it all......

i can't let that part out because the belief is
that that part of me won't be accepted, won't be
loved....will make people stop loving me.

woe.
stop right there.

WHERE DID THAT COME FROM?!

why would playfulness and goodness and joy and
happiness make people stop loving you???

yeah........i think i know the roots.
that's my stuff.
and i can go check it all out and work on it.
and maybe even let that part of me out.
hmmmmmmm.....

and while that should be the subject here, it's not.

the point i'm kinda hooked on is that these really
really strong feelings come from somewhere......
and that we need to work with them. cause they
stop us from being who we are.

that should be obvious.
a no brainer.

the stronger the feeling, the more reason to go look.

yeah.
and i live so many darn duh moments.
cause i haven't once stopped to really look at this.
i was just convinced i'm different, weird, wacko,
and doomed to keep all that inside.

i'm not so sure anymore.
i'm shifting to 'i've been sold a bill of goods here and
i need to throw these darn goods down somewhere
and play!'

AND! maybe just as important.....
i need to be so darn careful that i don't go stickin'
a bill of goods on other people as well.

we have such power....inwardly and outwardly....
if we could just use it wisely, what a difference it would
make........

i may just have some celebrating to do...
after a little diggin' out.....