feelin' helpless....

'i feel so bad tellin you one more time i'm a wreck
over here,' she said.

'it's okay. i don't mind,' i responded.

and once more we walked thru a tough conversation.
she has every right in the world to be a wreck.
one of the worst things that can happen in your life
happened in hers.

i guess there's a pretty long list of the 'worst things.'
and i guess there's no point in rating them.

when it's bad, it's bad.
when you're lost and hurt deep, it's one heck of
a challenge. sometimes the word 'challenge' doesn't
come close to what it really is.

my stuff has been baby stuff compared to hers.
and no, i'm not comparing pain.
i'm just understanding that i have no comprehension
of the pain she's really in.

and so i try to hold a space for her with my words.
i try to offer a place where she can be a wreck.
and sometimes when i hang up, i'm a wreck.
sometimes i'm pretty lost too.

what is it i can offer her?
i have no answers, no helpful suggestions.
so many lame things come outta my mouth...

i want to be enlightened, share wisdom, offer
peace......
and i end up sayin' things like 'yeah, i know,
it really sucks.'

it frustrates me. it saddens me. i wish i had
more to give.

and then i think of my heart.

i honestly believe the biggest thing i can give
is my heart.

and so i end up going back to where it all keeps
leading me........
learning how to open my heart.

i'll have moments where i'll doubt that will do anyone
any good, let alone her.......
and yet....there's this knowing inside that it's
the biggest thing i can ever give.

i know that. the knowing actually can quiet the doubts,
mostly.

and so i will pry my fingers along the edges a little
more and keep on opening the best i can......