loving you...loving me

i'm not sure if anyone, including my partner,
really takes me seriously when i say that i'm
just now learning how to love.

i hear nice responses about me being a loving
person and all that kinda thing. that's really
nice to hear and the intentions are good......
but i feel like i'm not really getting my point
across.

yeah, i can be kind and loving towards people,
but REALLY learning how to love someone is
a whole different ball game.

it wasn't til i hit my forties that i could even
figure out that i didn't know a thing about love.

it took that long to get to the point where i could
see my blindness!

but i am starting to learn. the eyes are opened.

and figuring out 'self love' is totally entangled
in loving others came quickly. but how open
are my eyes to self love??

thing is.....self love, loving others........none of
it is 'just follow these five easy steps and before you
know it...ta da! you'll love yourself!'

there are so many subtleties to it. so many twists.
and many of them go right by me, and i don't even
notice that i put myself aside and show way less
than love to myself.

how many times do i give myself away at my own
detriment?

go deeper, ter.

how many times do i believe i HAVE to do that to
keep someone's love?

go deeper, ter.

how many times do i believe that i can't really be
me.......because i'm not loveable?

go deeper, ter.

do i know i'm worth loving?

right there.

is it others not loving me?
or me not loving me?

start with yourself.
you can't get anywhere til you start with
yourself.

i've done enough subtle things to try to show
myself my belief in my worthiness of love.
time to step beyond the quiet little namby pampy
actions. they're not good enough anymore.

time to say it a little louder to myself.

time to shout it out? oh my...shout???

tell me.......could you shout it out to yourself?
if not.......why?

okay, maybe i'm not ready to shout. but i am ready
to get beyond a whisper. i'm ready to speak.

one step at a time...