the past isn't present

it's the weirdest thing....
i'll freeze up. won't want to say out loud what's
really botherin' me. no matter how legitimate it is.
eventually i will, because deep down i trust him enough.
but it's really really really really really hard.

i found this happening last nite.
and while he waited patiently for me to struggle
with myself enough to get it out, i heard myself
say "i don't want you to get all mad at me...."

sound like something a little girl would say???

i walked and thought about it this morning.
he has NEVER gotten mad at me for telling him
that i'm feelin' bad about something. never.
not once.

and yet, the feeling floods me every time i need
to do that. the fear of him being angry with me,
and not seeing how important it is to me.

and there it was.

history.
my past.

i knew that happened, and i knew i'd been hurt
by that kinda thing....but it wasn't til this morning
that i saw what a huge weight that was inside of me.

i mean, look at it......
you put out what's bothering you......
and the response is either anger or that it's your
own darn fault, or you're being terribly small for not
understanding the other person and giving your needs
away.

the seeing you, understanding you, wanting to help
you part is totally lacking....

while i've looked at that from the top level of it being
a pain, and wrong....and yeah, maybe sometimes i've
put my toes in it and seen that it tells me i don't really
matter that much....

i don't think i ever really saw it as clearly as i do today.

wow.

thing is.....it's not that way anymore.
and the past is the past.
it absolutely isn't my present.

how cool is that?!
somewhere, somehow i made it out of that........
now.
the trick?
don't put it back in when it's not there!!!!!!