self love

ohmygosh......
this self love stuff is hard.
specially if you've been trained to give yourself
away. shoot, i can't believe what great training i
had with that! it's settled way deep inside.
whew.
talk about conflicting themes!

i found myself giving myself away again.
even when i knew i was doin' it, i kept doin' it.

sigh.

why???
why do i do that???

there's other issues swirling inside at the same time.
and i think that confuses me.
i get lost in tryin' to see the other person and in
the caring for them.

and sometimes i really have trouble separating all the
things swirling. life won't let me stop and sit quietly
and sort thru it. so i usually don't have time to think,
and generally mess up!!!

even when i knew i had to talk to the other person about
this, i didn't want to because i didn't want to hurt them.

my outer self was sayin' 'nahhhhhhhh i don't need to talk
to them about this.' and yet my inner parts were screaming
'are you crazy?! YES YOU DO!"

while i did do that, and while that will all work itself out...
it's really ME i need to talk to about this stuff.

someone once gave me a way to figure out your life passion is
that i just loved.

he said that your passion is what you just can't stop doing.
if god (or whoever's in charge...this IS just an example!!!)
came and tapped you on the shoulder and said you'll lose everything
if you don't stop doin' that.....your passion would be the thing
that you couldn't stop doin'. even then. i just loved that.

maybe self love's kinda a twist on that......
maybe it's the thing that you can't stop doin' no matter what.
no matter what the pressure........it's the thing you have to
have thru it all......and be willing to lose the other things in
life to save that.

and maybe that's why it's such a big deal.
because sometimes i think i WILL lose other things in my life if
i have that......
and it scares me.

but that fear's based on something misguided......
anything you lose for the sake of self love isn't worth keeping.

yeah. yeah.
i know that in my head.

i've actually lived it big time. lost people big time. and have
to keep reminding myself that it really is okay....

like i say......i know it in my head.

i need it deep inside my bones now.
that's where i need it....